ragnarok1540

Today, my boyfriend, whom I haven't heard from in a whole month, turned up at my door because it was apparently "steak and blowjob day." FML

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

Today, I shaved my pubic area for my fiancé. He told me it looked "like Frodo tried to hack off Gandalf's beard with Gimli's ax." FML

It's catching

Today, I was feeling really sick at work. I messaged my boss whether his girlfriend, who also works there, could cover me. He then came down, shouting at me that whatever illness I have, I've also passed on to his girlfriend. I'm pregnant. FML

Traditional

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML

Nice day, innit?

Today, my parents scoured my browser history, certain that I have a hidden Facebook account that I'm using to get up to no good. Their reasoning was that there's no way my only friends are my relatives and that all I can post about is about the weather. FML

Today, my friend told me she'd lost her notebook filled with crucial notes for our finals. She asked if she could borrow mine and copy my notes. She then lost my notebook too. FML

Big boy

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

Today, while I was working the drive-thru, a couple came through. As I was handing back their change they began giggling. I looked down to see the man's sex-nose fully erect. FML

Great tip, thanks

Today, my therapist told me to write any negative thoughts that I had on a piece of paper and then set fire to it. When I lit it in the trash can, huge flames broke out and I had to throw the trash can out my window to keep from setting my house on fire. FML

Partaaaaay!

Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I'd set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML

Today, I actually had to explain to two of my friends that neither Alaska nor Nebraska are in Canada. I think I need new friends. FML

Today, I got screamed at by a woman at work for feeding her 3-week-old infant formula instead of the bottled Kool-Aid that she packed. FML

Today, I was talking to my husband about our favorite TV show, when he took my face in his hands and sweetly whispered, "You're so pretty. Why must you ruin it with words?" FML

Today, my boyfriend was rubbing my leg. He started laughing and said, "Babe, is this your leg, or am I petting Daisy?" Daisy is my dog. I need to shave. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that I have the bad habit of not doing the dishes before he has his daily piss in the sink. FML

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

Today, I was throwing rocks into a pond while our class was on a field trip. The teacher started to pass around an old rare civil war bullet. As the bullet got to me, I threw another rock in the river, only to notice a rock in my hand and the bullet gone. FML

Today, an American lady here in Ireland asked me if I was a Leprechaun. Thinking she was joking, and me being quite "vertically challenged," I decided to just say yes. She then grabbed me and made me endure photographs, cuddles and pats on the head from all her fellow tourists. FML

Today, I met my mom's new business partner for the first time. I shook his hand, and introduced myself as "Lisa's daughter." I'm a guy. FML

Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML

Good to know

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

Thoughts and prayers

Today, I heard my sister gagging in her room. She was doing it quietly, and I got pretty concerned, after hearing a lot about bulimia recently. I knocked, then heard a gasp, so I let myself in, only to see her on her knees and her boyfriend with his underwear around his ankles. FML

Today, my psychotic, very jealous ex-boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and punched a male store clerk who was helping me look for azaleas in a garden center. FML

Today, a coworker jokingly noted that my signature looks like "Pedo". I couldn't see it that way, so I asked some other people for their opinion. They confessed they'd always thought it looked like "Pedo", but never said anything. My name is Peele. I've been signing it off as Pedo for 10 years. FML

Today, a violent attack of diarrhea send me running to the bathroom moments after I put my dinner in the oven. I made it out just in time to enjoy a lovely bowl of coal. FML

Today, I was on a first date at a bar, when a girl walks over and ask me if I'm a doctor. I said yes, thinking she overheard me talking about my PhD. The girl then showed me a lump on her breast and asked what to do about it. My date then slapped me and left. FML

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

Today, my father-in-law is still introducing me to family friends as his son's girlfriend. I have been married to his son for 5 years, we have a child together and another on the way. FML