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Jake · 10 février 2023, 14:00 ·United States

Live from the lounge

Today, I was supposed fly from NOLA to Philly. Being a good roommate, I decided to get a noon-time flight so my roommates wouldn't need to get up early. Then I found out that they were also taking separate vacations, and leaving at 5am. Now I'm stuck in the airport till noon and I arrive in Philly at 7pm. I'm also broke. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 318 Tu l'as bien mérité 760

5 commentaires Partager

BAintShht · 10 février 2023, 16:00

Great job, Mom!

Today, our dog became ill. My mom wasted no time attending her every needs and became very distressed. When I had appendicitis a few months ago, my mom told me to “sleep it off” and a friend had to take me to the hospital. She only called once to bitch at me for “doing this on purpose to make her feel bad.” FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 953 Tu l'as bien mérité 108

3 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 10 février 2023, 18:00

Did she say yes at least?

Today, I tried to propose to my partner in a creative way, but ended up getting stuck in a tree. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 382 Tu l'as bien mérité 706

2 commentaires Partager

Reihna · Ça date de 2012 mais c'est de la bonne ·Marion, United States

Best gift ever

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son could call me from jail. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 27 002 Tu l'as bien mérité 4 285

113 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 11 février 2023, 04:00 ·Ingolstadt, Germany

Return to sender

Today, I pulled a prank on my friend by making a fake Tinder profile just to catfish him. All our friends came to make fun of him, only to realise that he'd stood me up. Turns out, never showing for first dates is his way of playing hard to get. Now everyone is laughing at me. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 131 Tu l'as bien mérité 1 817

7 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 11 février 2023, 06:00 🌶️ Épicée

Not literally, surely?

Today, I found out that my dad came across my nudes that got leaked online. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 840 Tu l'as bien mérité 863

4 commentaires Partager

I hate my family · 11 février 2023, 10:00

Threatening

Today, my mom told me to be my sister’s maid of honor at her wedding or I’m out of her will. She says if I don’t go, I’m being selfish, and she wants to see her “baby girls” bonding one last time before she dies. I would gladly go if my sister wasn’t marrying my ex-husband, who cheated on me with her. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 521 Tu l'as bien mérité 133

10 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 11 février 2023, 12:00

Get on with it!

Today, I went to turn in a coding project a few days early. After months of working on a code and saving backups, everything is gone or corrupted. I have to start from square one and turn it in less than 48 hours from now. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 793 Tu l'as bien mérité 156

4 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 11 février 2023, 18:00 ·Poughkeepsie, United States

Cheeky

Today, I got a call from a former client. After migrating his firm to cloud-based apps a few months back, he decided I was too expensive, and he'd manage things himself. He called today with "a couple of quick questions." Question 1: How does he log in to make changes? FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 862 Tu l'as bien mérité 113

3 commentaires Partager

30000 · Ça date de 2015 mais c'est de la bonne ·San Francisco, United States

Wakey wakey

Today, I was brushing my teeth. When it came time for me to spit, I absentmindedly opened the bathroom drawer and spat in there instead of in the sink. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 28 501 Tu l'as bien mérité 13 219

32 commentaires Partager

Unreasonable · 12 février 2023, 00:00

Kinda sus

Today, my husband referred to me as his “roommate” when I came home from work and saw his female coworker here for a visit. The one he has “work conversations” with at 11 pm. I've talked to him about it and he tells me I’m being paranoid and unreasonable. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 323 Tu l'as bien mérité 168

9 commentaires Partager

uncoretard · Ça date de 2011 mais c'est de la bonne

Speeding bullet

Today, I was trying out for my school's athletics team. As I reached the finish line for the 100m sprint, there was so much momentum I couldn't stop. I ended up running into a wall. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 30 571 Tu l'as bien mérité 8 104

88 commentaires Partager

BARF · 12 février 2023, 18:00

Grossed out

Today, my boyfriend is an incredibly adventurous eater. We were on a road trip and stopped at a place that had "Fried brain sandwiches" and he insisted on trying one. He loved it. Just watching him eat it made me so sick that I still feel nauseous hours later. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 792 Tu l'as bien mérité 237

3 commentaires Partager

ItsAGrower · 12 février 2023, 21:00 ·United States 🌶️ Épicée

Mini me

Today, the device I bought to gradually stretch my penis longer arrived in the mail. I'm too small to get it to stay on. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 113 Tu l'as bien mérité 600

8 commentaires Partager

paininthe*ss · 13 février 2023, 00:00

Take deep breath…

Today, because of my life situation, I was told I'll have to have a colonoscopy without anesthesia. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 880 Tu l'as bien mérité 137

2 commentaires Partager

that’s crazy · 13 février 2023, 02:00 ·United States

Niles Crane wannabe

Today, I felt comfortable enough to invite the guy I’ve been seeing over to my apartment for the first time. Things immediately got weird when he started to inspect my place top to bottom to make sure it was “clean to his standards”. I told him to leave when he started going in my closet. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 162 Tu l'as bien mérité 120

3 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 13 février 2023, 04:00

Not yet

Today, my husband's friend and I realised that we have mutual feelings of attraction for each other. We're both in struggling marriages, which we don't want to give up on yet. FML

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4 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 13 février 2023, 06:00 🌶️ Épicée

Just can't get enough

Today, my wife told me that when she was actually pregnant with her ex's child; she was insatiably horny and always wanted sex. Too bad for me, because the current pregnancy has made her repulsed by any sexual contact. Thanks for telling me, I guess. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 350 Tu l'as bien mérité 256

0 commentaire Partager

Herman · 13 février 2023, 12:00 ·Bedford, United States 🌶️ Épicée

Protip

Today, I went to my room to find my girlfriend on the floor, butt up, with her pants down. I elatedly took the invitation and dropped my pants too, only for her to tell me, "Not so fast champ, I'm trying to force some farts out." FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 148 Tu l'as bien mérité 498

5 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 13 février 2023, 18:00

Alexa, play "Your Daddy's Car" by The Divine Comedy

Today, I borrowed my dad's car to run a quick errand, which he never lets me do. I thought I’d got away with it until he got home and started yelling. I forgot, dad always reverses into driveways, while I prefer to drive straight in, and I'd parked his car facing the wrong way. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 138 Tu l'as bien mérité 1 534

4 commentaires Partager

ThisIsGonnaBeALongFewDays · 13 février 2023, 22:00

Channeling Gordon Ramsay

Today, my cousin came by to visit, and we went out to a pizza restaurant for dinner. She’s a very picky eater, so much so that she takes the cheese off the pizza, despite me politely asking her not to. One of the chefs walks by, sees it, and yells, “What have you done to my beautiful pizza!?” at us. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 762 Tu l'as bien mérité 332

5 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 14 février 2023, 12:00 🌶️ Épicée

A Valentine's Day miracle

Today, my wife has implemented a point-based system for sex. The list she sent shows I can I earn, for example, 20 points for washing the dishes, 50 for vacuuming the house, but only 5 for walking the dog. I get some action for every 5,000 points I earn, which should take about 4 months if I really work at it. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 724 Tu l'as bien mérité 573

15 commentaires Partager

Katy · 14 février 2023, 18:00

Classic mistake

Today, after I finished giving my baby a bottle then burping her, I lifted her up and was bringing her in for kisses. As I was doing this, I felt this warm liquid hit my lips and slide into my mouth. I instantly pulled her back and she'd vomited. It took everything out of me not to vomit myself. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 766 Tu l'as bien mérité 383

1 commentaire Partager

Anonymous · 14 février 2023, 22:00

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I took my date to a restaurant but I had no idea how picky of an eater she is. Our waiter had to practically use 3 pages in his notebook just to write down all her special requests for this single meal. By the end, I could see he really wanted to ask if she was being serious or taking the piss. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 896 Tu l'as bien mérité 122

5 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 15 février 2023, 06:00 ·Estonia

How could you?

Today, despite me not liking cats, which my wife knew, she got a cat anyway. Her cat went for a walk outside and was hit by a car. I rushed outside to help the cat but found she was already dead, and the culprit had driven away. When my wife found out that her cat was dead, she thought I'd killed her. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 253 Tu l'as bien mérité 162

2 commentaires Partager

Jessica · 15 février 2023, 10:00

John Wick

Today, my boyfriend invited a quiet guy in a suit to "step outside", all because he thought, wrongly, that he was trying to chat me up. Quiet guy declines, and my boyfriend called him chickenshit. Quiet guy and boyfriend step outside; boyfriend spends the next 5 minutes getting beaten up. I had to take him to hospital. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 805 Tu l'as bien mérité 380

5 commentaires Partager

Stupid bureaucracy · 15 février 2023, 12:00

Red tape

Today, I received the contract for the new job I'm supposed to start in two weeks. It says I need an official document from the public health department, which I have to present on the first day on the job. The first available appointment to get said document is in four weeks. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 794 Tu l'as bien mérité 118

3 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 15 février 2023, 16:00 🌶️ Épicée

Great plan, kiddo

Today, my daughter confessed to me she is pregnant from a guy she had a three-minute hook up with in an alley with, but I shouldn’t worry because she’ll make plenty of money from her OnlyFans, since lots of guys like pregnancy porn, Plus it gives her a real good reason to quit smoking. I'm gobsmacked. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 865 Tu l'as bien mérité 409

5 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 15 février 2023, 18:00

Fatherhood

Today, and in the month since our son was born, my husband has lost interest in fatherhood entirely. This morning, our son had naptime in the kitchen, while he was also in the kitchen on a 2-hour work call, and according to him that was father-son bonding time just because they were in the same room. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 751 Tu l'as bien mérité 219

8 commentaires Partager

Anonyme · 14 février 2023, 20:20

Ils sont partout

Aujourd'hui, je vais au travail à vélo. Je travaille dans un petit village perdu au milieu des montagnes, personne n'aurait pensé que se faire voler une roue avant de vélo y était possible. Et pourtant : je me retrouve à devoir rentrer chez moi en roue arrière à la sortie du travail. VDM

Je valide, c'est une VDM 4 823 Tu l'as bien mérité 559

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