Today, my parrot learned how to imitate my baby's crying. Now, every time the baby cries, the parrot joins in, and it sounds like a chorus of screaming. FML
Today, despite me being a master-level carpenter, and my art sells for thousands, I heard my mom telling her snobby friends how embarrassed she is of me because I’m “basically unemployed” and waste my time on “hobby crafts” like a teenage nerd instead of getting “a real job” and finding a wife. FML
Today, I didn't realise that after leaving my ex for someone else that I would need to be a therapist for all of his friends. He was such a garbage human being that he not only drove his friends away, but they all contacted me because I was the only one who "truly understood" how self-absorbed he was. FML
Today, I got stuck in a dress in the fitting room and had to call the sales associate for help. She had to crawl under the door to rescue me. FML
Aujourd'hui, en vacances chez mes parents, nous apprenons le décès d'une proche. Pour l'enterrement, le seul haut de couleur sobre dans mes affaires avait écrit dans le dos "L'enfer c'est moi" en paillettes. VDM
Aujourd'hui, c'est la quatrième fois que mon prof me confond avec une autre fille de ma classe. On se ressemble ? Non non, on a juste toutes les deux des gros seins. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mes filles de 3 et 5 ans m'ont demandé de leurs confisquer leurs jouets. Pourquoi ? Apparemment pour elles c'est la manière la plus rapide et la moins fatigante de ranger leur chambre. VDM
Aujourd'hui, alors que mon copain s'appliquait à me faire une petite gâterie, je n'arrivais pas à me retenir de me tortiller, ce qu'il a pris pour de l'excitation, alors que j'avais juste extrêmement envie de péter. VDM
Today, I got up early because I had a bunch of work to do. It's now 11:50 p.m and I still haven't managed to get anything done. FML
Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a group of people who smelled like they bathed in garlic. It was so bad that I'm pretty sure Dracula would have tried to claw his way out. FML
Today, my dog has a better social life than I do, since he's been invited to more doggy birthday parties than I've been invited to regular parties. FML
Aujourd'hui, ma nouvelle copine s'inquiète de ce que je recherche vraiment, car elle s'attache vite et craint que je retourne avec mon ex si elle revient. Je la rassure. Après une semaine de vacances parfaite avec famille et enfants, elle disparait : son ex est revenu et elle "ne peut pas aller contre son coeur." VDM
Aujourd'hui, une collègue de travail discute avec moi pendant la pause déjeuner. Elle me raconte qu'elle a beaucoup de choses à lire en ce moment. Grande lectrice, je lui demande de ce qu'elle lit, et quel genre elle préfère. Sa réponse ? Les sous-titres sous les séries Netflix. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je vais chercher mon fils à l’école comme d’habitude. On monte dans la voiture et on commence à discuter de sa journée pendant que je surfe sur mon téléphone. Au bout de cinq minutes, mon fils, me dit : "Maman, c’est qui qui conduit ?" Je m’étais assise du côté passager. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai demandé à mon mec de choisir entre moi et sa chienne très agressive qui fait peur à tout le monde Je suis maintenant célibataire. VDM
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend with breakfast in bed. Instead, I spilled hot coffee all over her and the bed. We ended up spending the morning doing laundry instead of cuddling. FML
Today, I went to my stepdad's funeral. He was the most important person in my life, but it didn't stop my stepsister angrily saying, "Why are you crying? He wasn't even your real dad." FML
Today, I listened through the wall while my boss had phone sex with his side piece. His wife works down the hall from us, she's the worst, so I have no ethical issues with explaining to her that he "has an appointment." FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in months. I was feeling good about it, until I realized that I'd forgotten my workout clothes and was wearing jeans. As I attempted to do squats in my tight jeans, I split them down the middle. FML
Today, I sent a love letter I'd written meant for my crush to a friend so she could evaluate my prose before I actually sent it to him. For some reason, my emotions got the best of me, and I mistakenly CC'd my mom. She replied with three crying-with-laughter emojis. FML
Today, and over the last week, I’ve spent about 10 minutes with my wife over 5 separate occasions because she is married more to her job than to me. And if anyone is interested those 5 occasions were unromantic sex because we’re trying to get pregnant, then straight back to her laptop to work more. FML
Today, my alcoholic friend, who is now sober, told me I was a lot more fun when he was drinking. FML
Today, I found out my long-distance boyfriend was trying to pick fights with me and start pointless arguments because he wanted a ticket out of the relationship. He wanted to find a reason to break up with me, rather than confess he has a local girlfriend. FML
Today, I learned that when you're talking about your girlfriend's 6'4", 250 lb dad in a negative way, you should really make sure he isn't around first. FML
Today, I’ve been bricking it about telling my mom I’m pregnant but aren’t getting married to my boyfriend. My mom has a big thing about marriage. Then grandma told me mom’s just a hypocrite, because she got pregnant not only wasn’t she married, they had to do a DNA test to see who was my dad. FML
Today, I received a message from a weird guy that's been stalking me online. Apparently, he travelled 4 hours last weekend to go to the same event as me, just to stare at me. He knew a LOT of details. He never spoke to me because that would "have been weird". I don't know what he looks like, so didn't recognise him. FML
Today, I tried to impress our swim team coach by doing a complicated backflip from the diving board. I landed face-first in the pool and had to be rescued by the lifeguard, so I guess I won't be going to the Olympics any time soon. FML
Today, I went to my parents' for dinner, who greeted me outside and immediately my mom said, “What are you wearing? Go to my room and change your shirt.” I was with my husband and I’m 47. FML
Today, date night with my boyfriend. I had my makeup done, fake lashes, etc. He was staring at me and I thought, "Oh, he loves how my eyes look" so I started flirting a lot, fluttering my lashes. We then took a pic and saw my lashes were falling, so I asked, ”Were they like that the whole night?” He replied, “Yeah, it looked weird.” FML
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