Aujourd'hui, je discute avec quelqu’un sur un site de rencontres, mais j’ai une sensation de déjà-vu. Plus le temps passe, plus ses questions deviennent bizarres et étrangement précises sur ma situation financière. C’est là que je reconnais l’employé du Trésor Public à qui j’avais affaire quelques jours plus tôt. VDM
Aujourd'hui, ma mère m’a demandé ce que je lui offrirai pour la Fête des mères. Pour rire, je lui dis : "Si tu veux, je peux demander à ChatGPT de t’écrire un poème." La première phrase de ce fameux poème est : "Maman, toi qui m'as donné la vie, et qui m'a appris à marcher…" Je suis en fauteuil roulant. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon mari part pour le week-end à une cousinade, me laissant seule avec nos deux enfants. C'est en visionnant les photos qu'il m'a envoyés que j'ai découvert que les conjoints et enfants étaient également présents. Enfin, tous… sauf moi quoi. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai pu tester les cours de civisme appris il y a 25 ans pour expliquer à mon voisin que non, la place de parking sur laquelle je suis garé n'est pas sa place attitrée, et que non, le respect des anciens n'est pas dans la loi, et ne lui donne pas tous les droits, m'insulter devant mes enfants inclus. VDM
Aujourd'hui, trop pris par un jeu vidéo en ligne, j'ai ragé quand j'ai perdu une partie. Je me lève d'un bond pour crier ma rage, sauf que mon câble de casque était trop court et m'a fait tomber en avant. Résultat, mon ordi est cassé et il y a la marque de mes dents sur la tranche de mon bureau. VDM
Today, while going through our CCTV, I noticed that when my boyfriend gets home he walks past my daughter, even if she wants him to pick her up, and will ignore her as long as he can until I get home, and only then does he interact with her where I can see. I was tipped off by our babysitter. FML
Today, as I went to put a portion of a rotisserie chicken in the microwave, the rest of the chicken slid off the counter. I instinctively tried to catch it with my foot, which resulted in me punting it into the kitchen ceiling fan. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he'd finished, all of them cheered. FML
Today, I'd planned on treating myself to a spa day. I'd booked a massage and was so relaxed that I fell asleep during it. When I woke up, I realized that I had drooled all over the massage table. FML
Today, I lost my dream house because my mortgage advisor, who I literally paid to take care of the complicated legal stuff, fucked up at every stage until the seller just sold it to someone else. My advisor admitted I'm his first customer, and that he didn’t think it would be this hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend teased me by asking if I wanted to fuck her best friend in the ass. Obviously it was a joke, but now I can't stop thinking about it and I know it will never happen. FML
Today, I excitedly told my best friends I was pregnant. Their responses were, "Ewww, I hate babies", "So we're not getting brunch anymore? That sucks" and "Do you need an abortion? I know a great clinic." Not one of them congratulated me. FML
Today, I realized how lazy my daughter truly is when I saw her shivering under a thin blanket on top of her perfectly made bed. I asked why she didn’t just climb under her covers to sleep warm and comfortable. She said that this way she doesn’t have to make up her bed every morning. FML
Today, my boyfriend snuck up behind me while I was naked and whispered in my ear to bend over. I thought this was a lead up to doggy style but nope, he slapped a waxing strip on my exposed bum hole and ran off yelling, “No more hairy hole! No more hairy hole!” FML
Today, I moved out of my parents' basement. After I hugged my parents, I walked out the door, only to remember I'd left my phone in the kitchen. I opened the door to see my parents dancing with joy. FML
Today, I went to the gym. Once in the changing room, I realized I'd left my headphones at home. I had to work out without any music, so I spent the next 90 minutes being reminded how loud and obnoxious some gym-goers can be. FML
Today, my teen son and his friends catfished a woman in her forties so they could laugh at her when she got to the restaurant. I'm beyond furious. The poor woman was humiliated, but did my wife care? No, she only got mad at them for using her credit card to sign up to the dating app. FML
Today, I was in a public restroom when my almost-two-year-old figured out how to open the door and run out. Half-a-dozen strangers watched me scramble to pull up my pants and moon everyone before running after her. FML
Today, I’m walking around the streets with my stuff in a rolling suitcase. My mom saw fit to kick me out of the house because she found sextoys in my room. FML
Today, my girlfriend was cool with me having a side piece, until she found out it was a gay guy. She kicked me out and dumped me. I texted him, asking if I could crash on his couch for a while. He thought I wanted a relationship, and cut me off when I said I wasn't interested. FML
Today, I lost my phone. On the bright side, someone found it. On the downside, they won't give it back. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Bumble. He spent the entire time talking about his pet tarantula and showing me pictures of it, all while I made 'ooh' and 'aah' noises, as if the guy was a child showing me his kindergarten drawings. FML
Today, my little brother was getting a haircut. He’s very shy and doesn’t like to talk to strangers, hardly ever, but with women it’s more likely that he will. The hairdresser made a comment about, “He’s so quiet, is he nervous?” I said without thinking, ”No, he only talks to pretty girls.” She didn’t speak the rest of the haircut. FML
Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML
Today, I've been on the same train for two hours at a standstill due to "signal problems". We can't get off because it's "unsafe." I'm on my way home from work and I can see my house through the window. FML
Today, my wife’s step-sister asked if she could join us in a three way. My wife actually said yes, but we’re both gym addicts so I like toned girls like my wife, so even though her sister is a lovely lady, I'm not going to be able to get a boner for someone 10 stone overweight. FML
Today, my kid's dad grumbled and complained about having to help me out buying clothes for him, because he was sure he just gave me money for clothes last year. I thought it would be fairly obvious that a 4 year-old would eventually need bigger clothes to accommodate the fact they are still growing. FML
Today, I was late for a job interview so I got a taxi to get there. Then the driver got lost and ended up taking me to the wrong address. By the time I got to the right location, I was 20 minutes late and had sweat stains on my shirt. To make matters worse, the interviewer was my ex who I had a messy breakup with. FML
Today, my girlfriend suggested that she needs a "cuddle buddy" because I'm never home to spend with her. I have to work two jobs to pay the bills because she keeps calling in "sick" from her job. FML
Today, I was playing an online game in nothing but my boxers, when suddenly a girl joined my team. I immediately felt embarrassed and put some pants on. There were no webcams involved. I need to get out more. FML
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