1known

get the fuck out! · 4 juillet 2023, 22:00

The Manosphere is like the Metaverse for morons

Today, I overheard my husband’s disgusting misogynist brother saying that I shouldn’t be allowed to discipline my son, because “it’ll turn him into one of those pussy ass soyboy simps that listens to bitches.” My husband didn’t even back me when I told the douche to leave our house. FML

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Anonymous · 5 juillet 2023, 00:02 ·United Kingdom 🌶️ Épicée

Dad of the day

Today, my dad is disappointed in me because I came to him for advice on how I should tell my girlfriend I don’t feel ready for sex yet. He just looked at me, shook his head, and walked away. Later he sent my mom to ask me if I’m gay. FML

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Anonymous · 5 juillet 2023, 03:00

Happy together

Today, I finally reached the age where me just being alive annoys my wife. She asked me during a movie if I “have to breathe like that because it’s so damn annoying.” FML

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Anonymous · 5 juillet 2023, 07:00

Happy Frustrating 4th of July!

Today, my wife won't let me light one my fireworks off early. I'm a grown man, darn it. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 241 Tu l'as bien mérité 1 043

6 commentaires Partager

brokeforever · Ça date de 2015 mais c'est de la bonne ·Riga, Latvia

Sorry

Today, I found out how much those tiny dogs cost when my German Shepherd ate one. FML

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108 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 5 juillet 2023, 12:00 ·Germany

What's the tooth?

Today, I asked my dentist to have a look at the tiny crack his colleague repaired a few years ago, because it’s giving me trouble again. He looked in my mouth, took an X-ray, and could find neither the crack, nor the corresponding filling. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 900 Tu l'as bien mérité 140

3 commentaires Partager

Ruthie · 5 juillet 2023, 18:00

Jealous much?

Today, I can no longer talk to my best friend thanks to his insecure, overbearing girlfriend of 3 months. We never talk about anything that crosses boundaries, and it's actually him who initiates the conversations. She’s forced him to block my number and social media accounts. FML

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cynicalcindy · Ça date de 2009 mais c'est de la bonne ·United States

Good question

Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out, "Are you having fun?" FML

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50 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 6 juillet 2023, 03:00

Red pill bozos

Today, I asked my son about girls and stuff and he told me he’s probably never going to date. I asked him why, and it turns out he’s afraid of being sent to jail if she makes any sort of false allegation against him. I told him not all women are like that, he told me I’m either naive or lying. FML

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Big_Tex23 · 6 juillet 2023, 06:00

Snitching

Today, I found out, and only after my stepdaughter told me, that my wife spent the whole weekend with another guy at the beach. FML

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Anonymous · 6 juillet 2023, 15:00

Hold this for me

Today, a lady chased me through the mall because I wouldn’t babysit her kid while she shopped. I hate kids and don’t babysit, especially random ones, and especially not for free. FML

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Sam · Ça date de 2015 mais c'est de la bonne ·Groningen, Netherlands

Don't mind me

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, "Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

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135 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 6 juillet 2023, 22:00

Hell no!

Today, I found my now ex was cheating on me, after two years. and planning on leaving me with all the bills and the lease to the new place I'd got with her. She still wants house keys. FML

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Anonymous · 7 juillet 2023, 06:00 ·Leicester, United Kingdom

Hush!

Today, I went to my local library to study. As I settled in, I dropped my water bottle, causing a mini flood. Panicked, I tried to clean it up with paper towels, only to knock over a stack of books, creating a domino effect of chaos. The librarian gave me the dirtiest look. FML

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Anonymous · Ça date de 2011 mais c'est de la bonne

Detained

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying, "Only these guns!" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. Neither will the cops down at the station. FML

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253 commentaires Partager

Lance · 7 juillet 2023, 22:00 ·Australia

Reflex

Today, I realised that I have been a teacher for far too long when I told a random stranger I saw at the mall to tie up their shoelaces. FML

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4 commentaires Partager

Jose · 8 juillet 2023, 03:00

Sherri Wanabee

Today, my daughter and her best friend made an elaborate plan that she was kidnapped, causing me to cough up $7000 in ransom money, which I later found out was a hoax. All this because she’s still upset I left her terminally ill mother for my current girlfriend. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 208 Tu l'as bien mérité 3 140

10 commentaires Partager

brittaneejanex · Ça date de 2011 mais c'est de la bonne ·United States

Curious cat

Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML

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127 commentaires Partager

Inpain · 8 juillet 2023, 10:00

Antidate

Today, I was having the worst period cramps you could ever imagine. I cancelled the date I had with my "boyfriend." He replied, “Isn’t there some medicine you can take to make it go away?” When I told him I did and still had them, he said, “Fine, lose my number, I’ll find a girl who doesn’t have that shit.” FML

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10 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 8 juillet 2023, 12:00 🌶️ Épicée

Skincare routine

Today, my boyfriend's dick is broken. We used to have an amazing sex life but because he won't take care of his jock itch, and his skin keeps cracking every time there's any pulling on his junk, I haven't really been laid in almost a year and a half. FML

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6 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 8 juillet 2023, 15:00 ·Germany

Mr Clean

Today, my boyfriend is mad at his landlady because she hasn’t followed through yet on the new front door she promised a month ago. He, on the other hand, has neither cleaned the toilet, nor washed any dishes since he moved in. Which was… a month ago. FML

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Anonymous · 8 juillet 2023, 18:00

Surveillance

Today, I showed my boss the app where I can remotely monitor my new home security cameras. As we panned the camera around, we were greeted by my son smoking a bong - sound and all. Way to go, boy. FML

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Anonymous · 9 juillet 2023, 00:02 ·United States 🌶️ Épicée

How could you?

Today, I found out my boyfriend of almost two years had kept nude photos and videos of his ex, whom he couldn’t seem to let go of from the start. We’re locked into a pricy apartment lease together, and I don’t have anywhere I can go. Thanks babe, love you. FML

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6 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 9 juillet 2023, 03:00 ·United States

Tasty

Today, I went to the supermarket and picked up some groceries, along with what I thought was a bag of chips. I ripped it open in the car and realized it was a bag of birdseed. As I spat out the birdseed through the car's open window and tried to clean the mess, a pigeon flew into my car and attacked me. FML

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Anonymous · 9 juillet 2023, 06:00

How peculiar

Today, I turned up to unclog a customer's blocked sewer, and they were furious that I needed to use their water, like they thought I’d turn up with my own water for the whole job in a small transit van. They told me not to bother, unless I provided my own water. I wasted a day on these idiots. FML

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7 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · Ça date de 2010 mais c'est de la bonne ·United States

Creepypasta

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

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132 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 9 juillet 2023, 15:00

I'm the taxman, yeaaaaaah

Today, according to my tax bill, I’ve been employed by a company I interviewed for over a year ago. They apparently hired me but forgot to tell me, then they also forgot to fire me for not turning up, so I’m somehow their unpaid employee and yet owe taxes for wages I’ve never been paid. FML

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4 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 9 juillet 2023, 22:00 🌶️ Épicée

Caught in 4K

Today, my dad went on a rant about how police are scum, timewasters, corrupt arseholes, and a waste of taxpayer money. I’m a police officer, and I’d had to pull him over because he was swerving all over the road while getting road head from a woman who was not my mother, to whom he is still married to. FML

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Natalia · 10 juillet 2023, 03:00 🌶️ Épicée

Controlling douchebag #688484

Today, I took off my pretty lingerie and hid it in a pair of trousers that were already in the laundry. Sometimes, I wash it in the sink and dry it with my hair dryer before my husband gets home. Yes, he routinely checks for "proof" that I'm cheating. FML

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Anonymous · 10 juillet 2023, 06:00 ·Pakistan

Coming and going

Today, my fiance of 6 years, who was estranged for 10 months during which time our wedding was naturally called off, came back, and after much convincing got a second chance. Within two weeks of taking it slow, he asked if I had been faithful after he'd abandoned me. A "yes" wasn't enough. He's disappeared again. FML

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