Today, my germophobic girlfriend has tested positive for Covid, and is utterly convinced she's going to die. She's been crying in the bed for the last five hours, talking about how much she regrets her choices, and how she never should have spent her last year with me. FML
Today, after getting my dream job and quitting my old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML
Today, I asked a girl from class out. Not only did she say, "Ew, no way, never, creepo!", but four hours later her boyfriend, who I didn't know about, threatened me with a gun if I ever even looked at his girl again. FML
Today, my boyfriend died. I was crying in my room when I heard a knock on my door. I thought it was my mom coming to comfort me, but instead she yelled and screamed at me for doing the dishes wrong. FML
Today, I work in aircraft ground handling. My employer is short-staffed and told us to stop even trying to load people’s luggage onto the plane with them, and to just throw it on a huge heap in the basement and sort it all out in a few months when things are less busy. FML
Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML
Today, my wife lost interest in sex a long time ago. I’ve tried to reignite her interest lately, which culminated in an argument where she gave me permission to go out and shag other women. We might as well divorce at this point if she’s going to say things like that. FML
Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML
Today, my family gathered for dinner. My dad told my newlywed sister that she looked gaunt and that she should eat more. When pressed, she began describing everything wrong in her sex life. We’re Mormons. FML
Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever, and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML
Today, I was riding my bike and stopped at a street light. A little girl looked at me, then asked her mother, "Mommy, why does that girl have a ring through her nose?" Her mother then replied, "Because her parents don't love her." FML
Today, as usual, my wife only wants to have sex to reproduce. As soon as she falls pregnant, the shop is closed. She doesn't care about my sexual needs, saying if I was really that horny, I should go sleep with some else. I'm not that guy and if I do get the guts to do so, I‘m afraid she will hold it against me, and take the kids and our savings. FML
Today, my scumbag son slapped his girlfriend in front of her family, and her dad picked him up and threw him off a second floor balcony. Good for her dad, he deserved it, but now he's laid up at my place and I have to wipe his ass and listen to him whine. FML
Today, thirty minutes after the end of a great date with a great girl, she texted me, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML
Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML
Today, my son, who I admit has a temper, met his cousins from France for the first time. Straight away he lost his temper, but before I could step in, his younger cousin knocked him out cold with a right hook, looked me dead in the eye and said, “That’s how you get a bitch under control.” FML
Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls, and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML
Today, my daughter told me she “doesn’t ever see herself getting in a relationship” and “dating just isn’t for her.” She’s 30 and has never been with anyone. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and called me a "cold, unfeeling bitch" because I wasn't "sad enough" over someone's death. Who died? A fictional character in the Dungeons And Dragons podcast we listen to. FML
Today, my sister is furious with me and said i will never see my nieces again. Last weekend, while I babysat for her, I taught them the meaning of veganism and animal rights, even showing them a few videos about the meat and dairy industry, and how the animals are kept and treated. Now she won’t speak to me. FML
Today, I’m 8 months pregnant. The father says the he won’t come to any more appointments, the baby shower, or even the birth unless his new girlfriend is allowed to be in the room when I deliver. I said absolutely not, so he told me to never call him again, and blocked me. They’ve been together for 2 months. FML
Today, I borrowed my adopted mom's laptop and found out that either her, my dad, or both of them, have been trying to research legal ways of un-adopting me and giving me back to the foster care system. FML
Today, I got home after working 14 hours completely exhausted and found my wife asleep, after not sleeping for at least 4 nights with our newborn. She woke up and couldn’t remember where she'd left the baby. After a mad panic, she remembered that he's with her mother. We are not coping very well. FML
Today, I asked my wife for a divorce, after I tried everything to save our marriage, and it was a gut-wrenching decision. I tried easing her into it, but she instantly agreed. She had packing boxed ready to move out. Now I suspect she was sabotaging our marriage for months so I'd call it quits. FML
Today, my neighbour reported me for touching his wife’s vagina while she was asleep. She wasn’t asleep, she'd passed out giving birth and I had to help get the baby out because the ambulance was late, and her husband was busy vomiting from how slimy and smelly it was. FML
Today, I got fired from a large oil and energy service company after 5 and 1/2 months. The interview process to land the job took 8 months. My interview process was longer than my job. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to use the “It’s my birthday” excuse to get access to my booty hole. Last time he used the “My favourite aunt died” excuse, and before that, the night of our fourth date, he used the “I’m drunk and can’t find the right hole” excuse. Take the hint, no means never. FML
Today, a heavy set lady came to my boutique asking for our "largest" 28in size jeans. I decided to humor her by giving a 52 mislabeled as a 28. It fit perfectly! She happily bought it and left. Later, her mother, who is a Super Karen and twice her size, came to complain about me to the owner for bodyshaming her daughter. FML
Today, I went to my colleague’s apartment so we could talk about a project for work over dinner. One thing led to another and the sexual tension we couldn’t unleash at work for months got to the best of us. It was the best sex I ever had and I want to come back for more. I just wish I didn’t have a wife at home. FML
Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML
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