Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, "I wish you liked anal." FML
Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML
Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML
Today, while driving home, I was so lonely I turned on my GPS, even though I knew the way, so it would feel like I had someone to talk to. It made me feel better. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML
Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML
Today, I was forced to go to the mall with my dad. He wore a bear suit the entire time. FML
Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML
Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML
Today, my best friend lost her virginity in the backseat of a car. I was sitting in the front. FML
Today, another man proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. FML
Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair. FML
Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML
Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML
TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML
Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML
Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML
Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML
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