cutestrike

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Boredom

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

Please?

Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

Today, I must find a gentle way to tell my 71-year-old mother that she's too old to be wearing shirts that expose her belly. FML

Ouch!

Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

Today, my mother wore a see through shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. FML

Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

Today, I dropped my iPod Touch underneath concrete slab steps, and it's physically impossible to get it back. If you stand above where the iPod is, you can still hear it play music. It's like it's mocking me. FML

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

Today, I got fired over MSN. I wasn't even online at the time. FML

Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

*Banjo starts playing in the background*

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

Today, I ran into a police officer while on my bike. It wouldn't be so bad, had he not been riding a massive horse. FML

Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML

Damn, son

Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML