Today, I had a dream that I was 25, unemployed, living with my parents, and still completely in love with someone who no longer feels the same way about me. Oh wait... it wasn't a dream. FML
Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML
Today, in the forest, I hit my foot against a half-buried metal thing. I dug into the ground, and found a beautiful box, heavy enough to not be empty. I imagined myself with gold coins. Inside was the corpse of a cat. FML
Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come round hers to get my pyjamas back. She replied: "I'm keeping them just in case..." - "In case of what?" - "In case I want to dress up like an asshole". FML
Today, I have to be at work with a smile on my face, whilst sitting next to the asshole who dumped me last week. FML
Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sent a text to one of his "friends" saying, "I'm thinking of you." FML
Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML
Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML
Today, my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. I was up all night. They decided to make it up to each other. They kept me up all night again. FML
Today, I told my mom I want to get liposuction. She said "Whats the point? Its not like you can get lipo on your face!". FML
Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML
Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML
Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML
Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. FML
Today, I was sitting at home, venting to my parents about how I never get asked out by any of the guys at school. My Dad's words of wisdom were, "Don't worry, looks don't matter so much in college. Once they've had a few beers in them, they'll date anything." FML
Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML
Today, I listened to my roommate having sex from 3 a.m. until 6 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML
Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML
Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML
Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML
Today, I accompanied some friends to sign up for a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, "Oh, I'm not signing up." He replied, "Out of all of you, you need it the most." He then said he was also a nutritionist, and offered a consultation. FML
Today, I was a host during kids' event. I did my job and started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a top with a really low cut. Then noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and adults looked surprised. Then I noticed that both my boobs had popped out. FML
Today, I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker, "Turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you." I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML
Today, I went to a fastfood restaurant to pick up food for my work party. I ordered 250 chicken fingers, 15 orders of fries, and 2 gallons of tea, and the guy behind the counter asked, "Is this for here or to go?" FML
Today, I was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he told me I was in luck. When I asked why he replied, "I like little boobs." FML
Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it 10 minutes after he'd gone; I waited for 5. In the card was written, "It's not working out, but here's $20." FML
Today, my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is 6 months pregnant. FML
Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out... but moved her things into my roommate's bedroom. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
