CallMeMonica

J'ACCUSE!

Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML

Today, because my fiancé is criminally incompetent at budgeting, I'm now having to pay the first installment for my own wedding ring. FML

Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML

Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML

Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

**** off

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

Read the small print

Today, a girl I like asked me to a concert, saying she had an extra ticket. I ended up being the third wheel with her and her boyfriend. I had to pay $60 for the ticket too. FML

Today, my two best friends that I've known since middle school broke up. I'm glad I'm no longer a third wheel but now they won't talk to each other and both use me to complain about the other. FML

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

Today, I was so sleep deprived that while making instant oatmeal, I poured the oats into the garbage and put the empty packet in a bowl, then microwaved it for 2 minutes. FML

Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

Today, my wife of 10 years bought me a bottle of wine, a wine rack, and a wine accessory kit for my birthday. She knows I don't like wine. FML

Foot meet mouth

Today, I was at church with some friends and our counselor, who had recently came back from Taiwan. I was born there and love to visit, so I immediately exclaimed, "How lucky!" A few seconds of awkward silence later, he said, "I was visiting my dad who was just diagnosed with cancer." FML

Today, I was sleeping peacefully with my cat sweetly snuggling my legs under the covers. My husband dutch-ovened her, and she shredded my calves as she rushed to escape. FML

Today, my boss asked me to work over the entire weekend. That would be fine if I didn't already work a 60 hour week. He also said the extra hours on the weekend wouldn't be paid. FML

Today, I had a concert. At the end, my conductor was recognizing soloists. When he pointed at me, I was confused, but stood up anyway. It turns out he was pointing at the person behind me. I had to awkwardly sit back down in front of over 500 people. FML

Today, a crow somehow got stuck in my ceiling. It's been making tons of noise for 9 hours now, including crowing very loudly. I live in a one-bedroom apartment, I have no access to the attic and the property owner doesn't give a shit. FML

Cyrano

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

Trust

Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

Richard

Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML

Today, my best friend finally broke up with her knob of a boyfriend. This would be great except now my boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because she's finally single. She introduced us. FML

Today, this guy I was seeing dumped me for "bombarding" him with text messages. I'd sent him one text asking if he was okay, after he stood me up 2 nights in a row. FML

Congratulations!

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I'm too demanding. FML

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML