CallMeMonica

Compassion

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral, I was told to "man up". FML

Today, I'm so broke, I walked into a nursing home and pretended to be a gentleman's son just so I could get some free food "for him". FML

Dream baby dream

Today, I rushed over to stop my infant daughter from falling off her swing. Luckily just before she hit the ground, I woke up. Unfortunately, I woke up because I'd rolled off my bed and hit the floor. FML

No excuses

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for not showing up to work yesterday. It seems going into anaphylactic shock isn't a valid excuse. FML

Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML

Today, when I went to see my therapist, she handed me a tube of tooth paste and said, "Please use it". FML

Today, I realized I wasn't getting notifications for my voicemail, so I decided to check it and found out that I had 3 job offerings that are no longer an option. FML

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

Great timing

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he'd had to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

Sampled

Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I noticed that one of the kids selected for a test looked incredibly high. After he went into the bathroom and gave me his cup with his urine inside, I took a closer look… to see that the little shit had jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

Today, my mum had no legitimate reason to have her daily yell at me, so she resorted to bitching me out for putting her phone on charge after it started beeping with a low battery warning. FML

Today, I had to hide in the closet all morning because my 22-year-old boyfriend didn't want to admit to his parents that he had his girlfriend stay the night. FML

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

Today, my dogs somehow pulled the water spigot off the wall in my backyard. I now have my own private lake. FML

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

Today, my now ex-boyfriend accused me of wanting to screw his 11-year-old brother, all because I expressed interest in going to his birthday party. FML

Today, I told my step-mom that my medication is causing me to lose weight. She looked me up and down and suggested I triple my dosage. FML

Today, at my minimum wage job, we received a half-way decomposed dog found in a lake. It was my job to tear open the bag and try to identify the breed and color. It would've been easier if the body wasn't crawling with maggots. FML

No kinkshaming, but come on…

Today, I accidentally forwarded a link to a weird fart porn video to my chat group. They've been silent for 30 minutes now. FML

Hello goodbye

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, and just signed the lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

Sure, come on in…

Today, while working third shift alone at a gas station, I had to deal with a crazy guy tripping balls and asking me if it was okay to bring a gun into the place. I don't get paid nearly enough for this. FML

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML

Ewwww, dude

Today, I visited my son at his university accommodations and noticed he's clearly never cleaned it since he moved in two years ago. I tried cleaning it myself, but gave up entirely when I found what looked like mushrooms growing out of an old takeout container. FML

Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML