luminos77

Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML

Today, I received a compliment for the first time from a girl. She told me she admires my courage to go out in public since most ugly people don't like to. FML

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

Today, I started my new job. Less than one hour into the day, my boss told me that the reason he hired me was that I was the least attractive of everyone he interviewed, so I'd be less likely to cause a distraction. FML

Today, trying to be smooth, I slipped the girl I like a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. A while later, she slipped it back to me and left the room. FML

Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

Today, I found out that my parents changed the code on our alarm system while they were out of town. The police could not verify I was their son, despite spending hours trying to get hold of them. They thought it was just another telemarketer. FML

Today, a very attractive man asked me out. I'd have been flattered if I weren't the nurse assigned to his laboring wife. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says, "There's too much of an age gap between us" and that it makes him "feel like a pedophile". He's only four months older than I am. FML

Today, my wife of four years revealed to me that she once had sex with six men at once back in college. Apparently she still fantasizes about it when we have sex. FML

Today, my roommate decided to turn off all appliances in the house to "save" electricity. This included the refrigerator. FML

Not again

Today, I realized just how clingy my boyfriend is, when he pulled out in the middle of sex, lay down and hugged me, and said in his "adorable" voice that he didn't really want to have sex, but cuddle. I wouldn't mind if it didn't happen so often. FML

So, you guys bangin' or what?

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

Today, while at the gym, a very large man walked over to me and said, "I like wearing all orange to the gym." Not wanting to be rude, I asked why. He looks me up and down and said, "It reminds me of prison." I think I'm going to be jumped. FML

Excited

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

Today, I walked in to my apartment to see my husband sitting there with his toes painted pink. When I asked him why, he said, "I wanted to feel pretty." This is the man who is about to be the father of my child. FML

Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML

Creepy

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said, "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to spank the ferret in bed and spray me while singing the Spiderman theme song. FML

Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom, he stopped right before he entered me and said, "Knock knock!" He refused to continue until I replied, "Come in." FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML

Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML

Today, while walking down the hall of my old school, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Behind the faculty parking lot where I parked my truck, two students were having sex on my tailgate. FML

America, hell yeah brother

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

Today, my seemingly normal girlfriend decided to erase every girl's name out of my phone. Family and all. FML

Self-fulfilling prophecy

Today, I woke up after having a nightmare that my girlfriend broke up with me. Needing reassurance, I told her about it. She became furious with me saying that she'd never do that and called me an "inconsiderate fucking bastard for even thinking that." Then she broke up with me. FML