Today, my girlfriend announced to everyone at dinner that she was no longer a virgin. This was news to everyone: her parents, siblings, best friend, and me. FML
Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML
Today, it was the second anniversary of the day I met my girlfriend. I had to go to work, but I set an engagement ring and a letter on my pillow for when she woke up, and left breakfast for her on the counter. When I got home, she and all of her things were gone. FML
Today, my mom left for a bachelorette party. She forgot a gift, so she called me and made me go into her closet, pick out a sex toy from the "box of gag gifts", and bring it to her. Should I pick anal beads or a cock ring? FML
Today, I walked in on my dad's poker game. He didn't know I was there, and was telling his friends what he would do to my girlfriend if I wasn't dating her. FML
Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML
Today, my husband thought it would be funny to mow a penis into our lawn. I guess he forgot my parents are coming over. FML
Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with strep throat. My mom wasted no time accusing me of whoring around and claiming that most people get strep from performing oral sex. FML
Today, while using a urinal in a very busy mall bathroom, another man unzipped his pants and attempted to use the same one as me. FML
Today, my boyfriend's proposal speech somehow ended with him breaking up with me. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted to me that the reason he won't have sex with me is because "Condoms are too expensive." FML
Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML
Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years-old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML
Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML
Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML
Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML
Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving her boyfriend's nuts. Apparently, he'd snuck in through her window. FML
Today, the girl I like sent me a nude photo of herself. Being a photographer, all I could think about was how grainy the photo was, and the various ways it could be fixed. FML
Today, my husband refused to let our 7-week-old daughter have a pacifier, because he doesn't want her growing up to be a "whore." FML
Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML
Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML
Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML
Today, my one-night stand decided he wanted to meet my parents. FML
Today, the creepy kid on the bus saved me a seat again. Thinking he wanted to be friends, I followed him on twitter. He was doing a live video feed so I checked it out. It was of me. FML
Today, I found out that my controlling, verbally abusive ex-boyfriend from nearly four years ago is still obsessed with me. Apparently, he's told everyone back home that he and I are getting married as soon as I finish college. We haven't spoken in over two years. FML
Today, I was insulted and harassed by my sister and her boyfriend, all because I proposed yesterday. They were angry I might get married before they did. They have known each other since primary school; I met my fiancée earlier this year. FML
Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML
Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML
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