Today, my flatmate came home from a date with the same guy that I have been in love with since high school. As I type, can hear them having sex through our paper thin walls. FML
Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the same school and had a job lined up in town, he decided not to come with me because the Internet at our apartment wasn't going to be fast enough for his gaming. FML
Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML
Today, at work, I received an email telling me that viewing porn websites was prohibited and was a good enough reason to fire me. FML
Today, we had the (great?) idea of having sex on a bean bag before my roomate got back home. Result: thousands of small polystyrene balls all over the living room. And no, they can't be picked up in 30 minutes. FML
Today, I was sitting on the bus on my commute to work, when I nodded off on the charming young man next to me. Something cold and wet touched me, and I looked down to see a small pool of my saliva collecting on my chest. The man thought this was hilarious. FML
Today, I got ready to stay over at my boyfriend's house. I brought food, new lingerie, and I got a bikini wax. I did stay overnight, but I was holding a bucket for him because he had gastroenteritis. FML
Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML
Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML
Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML
Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML
Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML
Today, I was at the library studying. There was a really cute guy across the room. I decided to play it cool and walk his way and grab some water. Right as I walked by, my body decided to let out the loudest fart. He laughed. I kept walking and asked my friend to grab my books. FML
Today, I farted in my cubicle thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML
Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML
Today, I went to the dentist. He asked me to lean my head closer to him so he could get a better look at my teeth. He was hard. FML
Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML
Today, I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom, my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself. FML
Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML
Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML
Today, I was sick on an airplane. As we were taking off, I felt like I was ready to hurl. I was sitting in the window seat and was unable to get up in time to go to the bathroom so I was forced to grab the nearest container to puke in. It was a glass of juice belonging to the woman next to me. FML
Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML
Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML
Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair whose leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?" He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML
Today, I was talking to this guy that I like a lot and I think he likes me back. When he told me I was beautiful I laughed so hard that I farted. Loudly. FML
Today, I had a date with this really cute guy. He invited me over to make dinner at his place. Eventually we end up in his bedroom to have sex. He pulls down my panties and says, "You need to shave that shit." FML
Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML
Today, I was enjoying some much needed serenity while I ate lunch in an empty park. To my surprise, an older, clean cut man in a suit sits on the bench next to me. Without saying a word, he unleashes the most foul of farts I've ever witnessed, gets up, gives me a nod, and leaves. FML
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