LiveLoveBeatles

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML

No stupid questions

Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17 years-old, and was deadly serious. FML

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He decided that the best time would be while I was giving him a blowjob. He then seemed confused as to why I didn't finish. FML

Today, I was talking to my future mother-in-law about my upcoming wedding. She told me that I wasn't allowed to have the wedding at a church, nor wear a white dress, nor have roses for flowers, because that would mean I'd be "copying" her. FML

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

Caught red handed

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

Today, the person that interviewed me for a job was the same person I called a "fat bitch" at a baseball game after she knocked over my drink while she was dancing. She recognized me too. FML

Not amused

Today, a one-eyed drunken homeless man followed me around the store I work at, screaming at me because I turned down his sexual advances. My managers and coworkers wouldn't kick him out because they thought it was funny. FML

Today, while looking through the camera my boyfriend got me, I found a video of a girl giving him head. After screaming at him about it and breaking up with him, I realized the girl was a drunken me. FML

Roleplay

Today, I tried role playing with my boyfriend. As I came out in sexy lingerie, I announced, "I'm Natalia, a Russian spy fluent in 2 languages: Russian and your cock." He laughed so hard he practically pissed himself. The night ended in me doing his laundry. Alone. FML

Today, my college class was talking about Felix Baumgartner, who jumped from the edge of space down to earth. A boy suddenly put his head up and said in a serious tone, "I thought he jumped from the moon?" Several girls concurred. This is my generation. FML

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

Brilliant

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

Today, after being totally in love with a guy since middle school, I finally had enough self confidence to go and talk to him. Turns out he's boring as fuck. I obsessed over this guy for nearly 4 years. FML

Today, I was getting out of the car when I saw a dark figure approaching me from behind a shed. I screamed and threw my bag. It also threw its bag, due to the fact that it was my shadow on the wall. FML

Sweet relief

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML

Today, it was my first day in Paris. I've been saving up for five years. It was a rainy day, but I was determined to go see the Eiffel Tower. On my way, I fell down a slippery set of stairs and knocked both of my front teeth out. Now, I have the view of the Eiffel Tower from my hospital window. FML

Today, my husband sweetly asked me, "You know what I'd really like to do if I had an extra $4,000?" Expecting a romantic answer, I asked what. He said, "I'd get you a tummy tuck." He still can't figure out what he said wrong. FML

The Soprano

Today, I was singing one of my favorite songs in my car while at a red light. A guy made it a point to get my attention and said, "If you're really going to sing that bad, you should probably roll your windows up." FML

Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology, which ended with me being hospitalized because of an allergy attack. I have no idea what I'm allergic to, but my doctor says I should just assume I'm "allergic to all leaves, ever." FML

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML

Today, my husband and I went to marriage counselling. I confessed something that was bothering me, but he didn't understand. Our counselor repeated word-for-word what I said right back at him. He turned to me angrily and shouted, "Why couldn't you just say that the first time?!" FML

Today, while my mother's blind friend was waiting in our kitchen for my mom to come home, I thought it would be funny to talk to her in the nude. Turns out she's only blind in one eye. FML

Today, my wife confused terminology from my religion with stuff from Harry Potter. FML

Today, I showed my friends the picture I drew picturing the four of us in a 'zombie apocalypse' setting. Turns out they never saw me as their friend, and I'm creeping them out. FML