carbuncle776

Today, I sped off down the road, then realized to my horror that my cat was clinging to the roof of the car. FML

New fangled technology

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML

Judgemental

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

Today, I was in a restaurant bathroom, when another girl walked in. I have anxiety issues, and couldn't leave my stall until the other person went first. She rushed into a stall and had violent diarrhea for a good 10 minutes. FML

Today, I was watching adult videos in my apartment. I'm deaf, so I didn't realize my volume was at full blast until I put my hand over the speaker. FML

Double standard

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML

Today, I was at the mall in the food court, when some guy asked for my number. I turned him down, but I was impressed with how ballsy he was. Without thinking, I said, "I like your balls!" Half the place instantly fell silent. FML

Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML

Today, I went back to work after a vacation, only to find out I'll soon be forced to dress up as one of the princesses from Frozen to promote our store. FML

Fishing

Today, I went to a bar with my best friend, and some guys came up to us and started flirting with her and offering her a drink. I felt a bit left out and started joking that "I'm thirsty too". One guy looked at me, cringed and said, "No, I don't buy drinks for weird girls." FML

Cheeky!

Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML

Been there, done that

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

Today, my cat decided to use my bowl of rice krispies as his litter box. FML

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not a virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", Honey. FML

Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML

Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML

Today, after swallowing my birth control pill, I threw up all over myself. I then had to search through my puke to find my birth control pill and attempt to re-take it. FML

Today, I came home from work to find that my girlfriend had sold all of my N64 and Atari games and both the consoles and bought me a PS4 with the money. While I was standing there in shock, she kissed me on the cheek and said, "I know, I'm the greatest." FML

Today, my girlfriend said she was going to start appreciating the little things in life. She's starting with my penis. FML

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML