Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML
Today, I got a new cat. I tried to reenact the opening scene from Lion King, where in Simba gets held up for everyone to see. The fan was on when I lifted my cat up. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her mom who had passed away years ago told her that I was cheating on her, telepathically. FML
Today, I got rear-ended at a stop sign on a seldom used road in my neighborhood. As I open my car door to trade insurance information with the guy, he backs up a little and speeds away, taking my car door with him. FML
Today, I woke up to find my house TP'd. I also noticed our entire house was devoid of toilet paper. Someone had broken in just to steal our toilet paper and TP our own house with it. FML
Today, I got no happy birthday wishes from anyone. I decided to call my sister to see if she'd remembered. My 6-year-old niece answered, so I told her it was my birthday. She said that it's tomorrow. After ten minutes of arguing with a 6-year-old, I checked the calendar. It's tomorrow. FML
Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML
Today, I stopped by the gun store to pick up a new concealed weapon for protection. As I was leaving the store, a man came up behind me, hit me with a crowbar, and stole my gun. FML
Today, my math TA showed the class how one of her "dumb" students answered a test question. Everyone laughed as she wrote out the students answer, including myself, until I looked down at my answer sheet and saw that I submitted an identical answer. FML
Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML
Today, I was accepted to college and received a scholarship equal to almost half the tuition. After sharing this news with my parents, I spent the next 35 minutes getting yelled at about how I wasn't allowed to go there because my boyfriend might go there. FML
Today, I finally discovered the reason my front room smelt funny. My dog, thinking the Christmas tree was real, has been peeing on it for the past two weeks. FML
Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML
Today, my 6-year-old cousin came to my door, demanding canned food. I asked him what for, and he said, "Dad said I needed them for a school project." I said all right, and he started raiding my pantry. I was left with only green beans. He stole all my Spaghetti O's. FML
Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML
Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML
Today, I finally removed my car insurance after realizing it costs too much money. Since I then had more money, I went to celebrate with ice cream. On the way, I got hit by a truck. FML
Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML
Today, I found out that my dad recently created a Facebook account for himself. So I friended him. He refuses to accept my friend request. He did, however, accept my sister's. FML
Today, there was a flood at my friends house. As a result, their cat shelter had to be evacuated, and my mother decided to help. I came home to 23 cats in my bedroom. I'm highly allergic. My face has now swollen up to the size of a football, and I have an important job interview tomorrow. FML
Today, I was forced to spend three hours looking at a fat guy's butt crack, seated directly in front of me during an exam. I'm pretty sure it lowered my grade. FML
Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML
Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML
Today, I applied for a job and sent my CV, then realised I sent the example CV I got off the internet. Now they think Bob Brown who lives at 123 Sunshine Street is applying for a job. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me. According to his Facebook, he had a new girlfriend 16 seconds later. FML
Today, I finally decided to do regular biology rather than honors biology, thinking honors would be too hard. My first day in regular biology, my lab partner asked me whether a rock was alive or not. FML
Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML
Today, I realized the benefits at Burger King are better than at my company. I'm an engineer, have three degrees, speak three languages fluently, and work at a multi-billion dollar company. The guy flipping burgers has better health care and more corporate 401k contributions than I do. FML
Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML
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