The_FML_Princess

Nice

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

Today, my cat decided to use my bowl of rice krispies as his litter box. FML

No beer for you

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

Today, I was boxing up all my brother's old stuff to take to the attic. I came across a box, and without checking what was inside, I took it up, just to have it fall on my head, to then find out it was filled with dead baby hamsters. FML

She said yes!

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

Today, my boyfriend bought a new toaster. It not only pops up the bread when done, it also beeps loudly. It makes me scream in terror every single time. My boyfriend has now vowed to "Toast 'til the end of time." It's going to be a long year. FML

Today, it's been almost two months that I've been taking hair, skin and nails vitamins. The only thing growing noticeably longer, faster, stronger, and healthier are my pubes. I've never sheared a sheep before, but I imagine the maintenance I just did was comparable. FML

Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML

Today, I took my 6-year-old son to visit his grandmother, as the doctors say she only has days left to live. Minutes after we arrived, he leaned in close and told her that she's going to hell. FML

Domestic

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

Today, I woke up from a dream in which my girlfriend gave birth to a litter of puppies. I can't even look at her now without getting nauseous. FML

Today, even after explaining to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about my breasts because they're slightly misshaped, he still persisted with begging me for a tit pic, saying he would still see me as beautiful. I gave in and sent one. He responded with "LOL WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSSSEE." FML

Keeping it in the family

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

Today, I had to pull chunks of digested blanket out of my dog's ass because she refuses to listen to me when I tell her not to eat the damn blanket. I can't stop smelling it. FML

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

Today, my 19 year-old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

Today, I had to bribe my cousin with Monster Energy Drinks and Halo 5 so he wouldn't tell my mom I snuck out to meet a boy. I'm 24. FML

Alone time

Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

Today, I took my nephew to the roller rink and I broke not one arm but both. Now I can't even wipe. FML

Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

Today, I found a diaper in the parking lot. It's been raining all morning. This was the wrong day to wear flip-flops. FML

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

Totally? Really?

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML