Célibataire
Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML
Today, I went to my first class of the year. The first thing the teacher said was, "I hate this f*cking school." FML
Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML
Today, I had to clean human excrement at work when the fitting room turned into the shitting room. FML
Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML
Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML
Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML
Today, at my first day on the job, a customer threatened my life because our vending machine had run out of Doritos. FML
Today, as I started my car, I heard the most horrific sounds coming from the engine. When I lifted the hood I realized I'd found my son's cat. FML
Today, my doctor asked me to undo my bra so he could check my breathing without the straps restricting my lungs, I got home and told my friends how awkward it was. Not one of them has had this happen to them before. We all go to the same doctor. FML
Today, I met my birth mother. My dad won't talk to me, my mom won't stop crying and thinks I'm replacing her, and the rest of my family won't stop calling me a bitch. I'm 21, and I just wanted to meet the woman who pushed me head-first out of her vagina. FML
Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML
Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML
Today, while in bed, my boyfriend pointed to my stomach and said, "Bad fat", then pointed to my boobs and said, "Good fat." FML
Today, my purse was stolen from my bag while I was on the train. The thief will be surprised to find that it wasn't my money purse, but in fact my "period purse". Hope they find tampons useful. FML
Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML
Today, my father was taking pictures of my friend and me as we got ready for homecoming. After the pictures were taken, he offered to show us. He scrolled one picture too far and ended up showing us a picture of his penis. FML
Today, I found out my 13-year-old daughter thinks the showerhead got her pregnant. FML
Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML
Today, while driving in the car with my father, he handed me his iPhone and asked me to Google "Is ObamaCare good for our country?" As soon as I typed in "Is", the first result was "Is olive oil good for anal." FML
Today, I watched as my grandma beat the shit out of my dad at the zoo. FML
Today, I superglued the sole back into my shoe. Unfortunately, the glue didn't dry as quickly as it said it would on the bottle. The glue seeped through the sole and my foot got superglued to my shoe. FML
Today, in the small hours of the morning, my roommate's boyfriend kicked his foot through the thin wall separating our bedrooms during sex. They didn't even stop. FML
Today, in my second year at university, I took a pregnancy test. It's the only test I've passed all month. FML
Today, I forgot I left my tampons in a grocery bag packed with food that I put into the fridge. I realized two hours later while frantically looking for a tampon. I'm still cold down there. FML
Today, I was quite drunk so I decided to take a piss kneeling down, so I wouldn't miss. I dropped the toilet seat on my little soldier. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has a fetish for cats. I think I'm going to have to meow before we do anything together. FML
Today, my mom told me that when my sister and I were born, the first thing my dad said was, "I hope they don't turn out vegetarian." I did. FML
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