ginnyboo

Today, I felt flexible in my yoga class. I put my legs in the butterfly position and tried to press them down. Both my hips popped very painfully and I screamed in the middle of a quiet room. FML

Lost

Today, I went to a party with a friend. All I remember is passing out on the couch. About 10 minutes ago, I was woken up by a bucket of cold water and thrown out by the guy who lives there. I'm still dripping and very cold, and I have no idea where the hell I am. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, while shopping, I stepped a bit closer to a couple that stood in front of a display. The girl then shot me a nasty look, grabbed her boyfriend and started pointedly making out with him. I was just trying to buy some butter. But thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. FML

False alarm

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

Fried

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago, a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill, causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

Today, I threw away a bunch of candy wrappers from my pocket, I also managed to throw away $20. That was the only money I had. FML

Boobaloo

Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

Today, there was a huge spider on my ceiling, so I grabbed a shoe to deal with it. Just as I jumped up to smush it, my idiot brother flicked the light off. I missed the spider, but it didn't miss my face as the impact caused it to fall. FML

Today, I got fired from my dream job. I found out today that the girl who trained me lied and taught me how to do things wrong, so that when she got back from maternity leave, she could get me fired and take her job back. My new coworkers were in on her plan from the beginning. FML

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML

Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were, "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

Fuel to the fire

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up by saying, "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

Today, my father, who is not familiar with keyboards, had me register his new email account for him at the public library. His username choice? "Wang dang sweet poon tang". People heard. FML

Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, saying, "Congratulations, you have a new match." FML

Today, I fractured my shinbone after slipping on a leaf. FML

Today, I finally overcame depression-induced writer's block. I was typing at a good speed and before I knew it had over a thousand words that I was reasonably proud of. Then I woke up. FML

Today, I farted myself awake, in a car full of my boyfriend's family. FML

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML

Today, I went to a salon to have my eyebrows waxed. During the application the woman sneezed. The wax is not water based, so no matter what they tried, it would not come out of my eyebrows. I now have to decide whether leave the noticeable brown wax in my eyebrows or wax them all off and draw them in. FML

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

Dumbass

Today, my boyfriend rather stupidly assumed that because my vagina is no longer in use after giving birth, we would automatically start having anal sex. After I loudly explained how that wasn't happening, he then had the nerve to ask for a blowjob before we'd even left the hospital. FML

Today, I yawned so hard that I dislocated my jaw completely, then had to ask to be excused from class in front of 30 people with my mouth hanging open. FML