raptaki

Today, I saw a cockroach on the ceiling. Immediately I got a stick to smack it down. When I hit it, it fell and landed in my mouth. Karma much? FML

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

Incoming!

Today, while sitting with my son, an ice cream cone landed on my head from out of nowhere. I look up to see three children on the balcony above us yelling, "Look! We hit the fat lady!" They ran away laughing. FML

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

Today, I woke up in the hospital. I had apparently overworked my heart so much that I fainted. What caused it? I was playing a racing game on my Wii and freaked out when I won first place. FML

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML

Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

Today, my younger brother decided it would be funny to put rubbing alcohol in my contact lens case while I had them soaking overnight. I didn't realize this until I put the first one in. FML

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML

Today, I learned that you can be so sleep deprived that you sleep through your alarm, a construction crew outside your house, and your bladder completely voiding itself. FML

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

People of Walmart

Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML

Today, in public, a homeless guy looked me in the eyes and started wanking. FML

Today, I got a message from my brother on Facebook that read, "They're watching you." This wouldn't have been such a big deal if he hadn't been dead for two years. FML

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

Yummy

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

Where am I?

Today, I set up a small social gathering for a few friends. One of them didn't have a ride, so the others, who'd already shown up, went to go give him a ride. After no sign of them for a whole hour, I called to see what was wrong. They went out to eat and completely forgot about me. FML

You tried…

Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML