Today, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I made the announcement on my status on facebook so people would congratulate me. The only response I got about my engagement was from a girl I knew saying; "Umm, he didn't tell you he was cheating on you for three years with me?" FML
Today, I took my best friend out for a night in town, after he got dumped by his girlfriend recently. As we were walking around, we passed a group of hot women, a couple who were checking him out. Trying to be encouraging, I said "He's single!" and winked. One of the girls was his ex-girlfriend. FML
Today, I had to come back home early from my holidays. Why? I had asked my grandmother to water my plants, some of which are illegal. Instead of doing it herself, she asked her neighbor… who is a cop. FML
Today, in Burger King, I was leaning against the railing looking at the menu. I saw an old man using the rail to walk, so I got out of the way. He ran his hand across my back and said "You're so cute, I'd like to take you home and lock you in my basement naked so you can't leave" and walked out. FML
Today, my family bet me $20 to wear a Disney Princess hat for the entire day around a theme park. I am 17 years old. We decided to go for lunch in one of the restaurants. After we finished, a woman gave my parents a leaflet on how to cope with disabled children. FML
Today, my next door neighbor told me that he liked the carpet in my bedroom. I live alone. He's never been in my bedroom. FML
Today, I got my first period. My dad bought me a card and had everyone in my family sign it. FML
Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML
Today, I was sleeping in my apartment when I woke up to the smell of smoke. Alarmed, I ran out to the kitchen to find my roommates trying to put out a fire on the stove. As soon as they saw me, they ran for it, informing me that it was my problem now. They used my good frying pan. FML
Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML
Today, my boyfriend called and asked me why I love him. I told him because he's always there for me and continues to put up with my bipolar disorder. He promptly said "not anymore" and hung up. FML
Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML
Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was watching the episode where Spongebob smashes his guitar while playing. I walk into the kitchen to make him a snack, and I hear a loud crash... My nephew smashing my brand new guitar to be like Spongebob. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke up very early in terrible pain. I drove her to the hospital and fell asleep in the waiting area. When I woke up, my car was gone and it was 9am. She had assumed I just walked home (32 miles), so she took the car. I was the only one in the waiting area. FML
Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for six weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in two weeks. FML
Today, I was at the beach with my friend on vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML
Today, I was sitting on the bus to the gym. I saw that an old woman needed help to get off the bus, so I got up, and helped her off. When I had finally got her down the stairs the bus closed the doors and drove away. I was in the middle of nowhere and the bus drove away with all my things. FML
Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We sat on an old bench and were just about to kiss when I screamed. I now have a huge splinter in my arse and he can't stop laughing. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me why girls don't have armpit hair. FML
Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML
Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML
Today, I realized that the only part of my body that has had a reduction in size from changing my diet and working out isn't my stomach or my thighs but my already undersized breasts. FML
Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML
Today, I was on a long-haul plane journey home from my holiday. After 5 hours, I decided to stretch my arms whilst watching a movie. Little did I know that a little girl was approaching, running down the aisle as my arm stretched out. I accidentally clothes-lined a little 9 year old girl. FML
Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said, "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML
Today, to my surprise my girlfriend said, "I've never felt this way before." We have been dating for six months, and I knew that I loved her, so I replied, "Me neither, I love you." There was a long awkward pause. Turns out, she was talking about her abnormally painful period cramps. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML
Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML
Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML
Today, my throat is really swollen so I can only drink liquid. I noticed home-made ice-lollies in the freezer and had one. It tasted funny. Turns out my little brother had peed in one of those ice-lolly box and put it in the freezer. FML
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