gregsgirlfriend

Today, it was opening night for the play where I was, for the first time ever, one of the leads. I went on stage with a loud and energetic entrance. I came in two scenes early. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, feeling melancholic, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with a guy who lives on the same floor as me in my apartment complex. I got stood up. Instead I got to listen to him doing the girl who lives next door to me. FML

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had been telling me for the past two weeks that he had something planned for the occasion. His plan? Me watching TV with his parents, who hate me, while he went to work. His gift? A brand new Xbox 360 for himself. FML

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk. As he got home he asked me to marry him, I was going to say yes until he said, "Oh wait, wrong woman." FML

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I was leaving him because he's cheating on me. He then told me he will die without me. When I said that I didn't care, he said 'OK. I'll kill myself!' and then held his breath in attempt to suffocate himself. I can't believe I dated this idiot. FML

Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML

Today, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time. She still hasn't got the hint. FML

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

Today, I snuck up on my girlfriend to give her a kiss. Only after I planted a big one did I realize it was not my girlfriend, or even a girl for that matter. FML

Today, my boyfriend sent me a video of him having sex with someone from one of his last relationships because he thought it would turn me on. FML

This is awkward, guys

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

Nice try

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to meet the girl he has been cheating on me with. He thinks it makes the cheating more understandable if I see how 'hot' she is. FML

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

A different kind of wind

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on her, and is desperate to prove she's "better than that other slut, or it's over between us." I've been pushed down and forcefully kissed ten times now. All because she saw a pic online of me kissing a girl. It was her. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

Today, I had to yet again tell my mother-in-law that I wasn't going to name my unborn baby "Ermintrude" after her late mother. My husband told me to stop being difficult, and that he agrees that it would be nice. FML

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I was on a first date. She asked what I do, so I replied, "I create adverts." She then yelled, "F**k you" and left. FML

Double sus

Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever, and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML

Today, at my workplace, I saw a system crashing. I mean literally, my manager was throwing my colleague's laptop at him while shouting around the office. This is only my second day. FML