Mashit13

Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

Today, while working at a dollar store, I was clobbered by a woman because apparently, I was ripping her off by charging two dollars for two doughnuts. She didn't understand that she couldn't buy multiple items at once for one dollar. FML

Today, I had to do 40 squats with a medicine ball. I always made fun of medicine balls my whole life because they looked so easy that even senior citizens did them. I passed out in the middle of the gym. FML

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

Stop perving

Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML

Classic

Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML

First impressions

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The interviewer started by introducing herself and asking how I was. I got caught between introducing myself and telling her how I was and replied, "I'm Kate thanks." FML

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML

Leg day

Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by, she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs, and said, "Make them fatter". FML

Today, I had a rude awakening after a traffic accident the day before. I'd fled the scene to avoid having to pay hefty damage fines. I would have gotten away with it too, if my license plate hadn't fallen off and incriminated me. FML

Today, I clocked into work completely exhausted despite having gone to bed early. My roommates stayed up until 4am watching a movie, blasting music, and constantly giggling like madwomen. This is their "new and improved" schedule. FML

Now watching

Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

Greasy

Today, I was watching TV in my living room while my wife was cooking. I began to smell the aroma of her potato soup, which made me hungry. Suddenly, I realized that the smell wasn't my wife's cooking but was in fact my body odor. FML

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

Thaw it goes

Today, I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer. To my surprise, the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top. During my efforts to retrieve it, I had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day. The ring sank further and further until it was completely gone. FML

Today, I had to tell my boyfriend to stop inviting his mother on our dates. FML

Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML

Today, I spent all day preparing a big, elaborate Italian dinner for my boyfriend, who recently discovered he was part Italian. He came home, turned up his nose and said "I was in the mood for Chinese". FML

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

Today, my college professor handed every student a note card and told us to rate his looks from 1 to 5. Is this what I pay $20,000 a year for? FML

Today, my 4 year old cousin is staying overnight. Every time I fall asleep he wakes me up to tell me I fell asleep. FML

Today, I found out that I've been paying student fees for the wrong account. Apparently I have been paying for some other student's tuition. FML

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad. Instead of cleaning it, he had it equipped with a Wunderbaum. Our entire house now smells like "New Car". FML

Unwarranted

Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML