iBou_fml

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

Intimate moment ruined

Today, my incredibly self-conscious girlfriend decided to get over her fears and let me see her in her underwear. She did a short strip tease, crawled on top of me, and asked what I thought. I couldn't think of anything to say besides, "Your bra and panties don't match." FML

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

Today, I swerved off the road and hit a tree in order to avoid hitting a dog that came out of nowhere. Don't worry, I didn't hit him. The person behind me did, though. FML

Today, I made a mistake at work that got seven people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

Personality matters

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been asked by multiple people, "Why are you going out with such an ugly girl?" FML

Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML

Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

Someone has to

Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

Today, I was telling my friend about how my boyfriend never does anything nice for me. Confused, she replied, "That's odd, he's always doing nice things for me." FML

Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML

Today, I fell asleep in my math class. Turns out I sleep walk. I woke up at the front of the room with chalk in my hand, scribbles on the board behind me, and the whole class laughing at me. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me to stop saying "I love you" so much because it's starting to annoy her. FML

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

Today, I walked in on my dad touching his knob, in the kitchen, while cooking. FML

Today, I locked myself out of my car. While walking home to retrieve the spare, I realized I locked my house keys inside the house this morning. Now I must decide whether to break into my house or car. FML

Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML