Mademoiselle 30 ans En couple
Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML
Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words, "Lisa, will you…" then abruptly shat my pants. FML
Today, I went to a parade. While I was there, I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend. Trying to prove I was over him, I tried to act like I was oblivious to them and having a great time. I turned around, only for a piece of candy to hit me square me in the eye. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML
Today, while cuddling in bed with my drunk boyfriend, he kissed me softly then told me under no circumstances would he ever marry me. Then kissed me again. FML
Today, my loving five-year-old daughter started singing Christmas carols again. Ones that she made up herself, of course. Including "Walking in a fucking wonderland" and "Rudolph the red nosed asshole". FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a massage. I guess I hit the spot, because he muttered, "Please marry me" into the pillow. Considering we've been going out for years and had spoken about marriage before, I stopped in my tracks. He stammered, "Oh, I mean... Not like that. Will you keep going?" FML
Today, I told my boyfriend about how I was a test tube baby. He looked at me with confusion before asking, "But if scientists made you, surely you'd be really attractive and talented and stuff?" FML
Today, while on vacation, my parents called to inform me that my best friend had died in a car accident. Why? To trick me into tearfully confessing my love for him. It worked. FML
Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML
Today, I showed my mom a picture of a baby sloth. She then said, "Wait, sloths are real?" She thought Ice Age made them up. FML
Today, I attended an assembly regarding senior graduation. The assistant principal told us to look to the left and right of us, because those people would be our friends for the rest of our lives. I was the only one in the entire row. FML
Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML
Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML
Today, I was mowing my grandma's lawn when I was suddenly swarmed by bees. When my grandma saw me covered in stings later on, she said, "Oh yeah, there are tons of bees in the grass! Be careful!" FML
Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted than he's been using Febreze instead of showering for the past month. FML
Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML
Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I noticed he looked uncomfortable. When I asked what was wrong, he asked when the last time I shaved was. I answered, "I shaved my legs this morning." He shook his head and said, "No, I meant your face." FML
Today, I tried a soup sample at a supermarket. An employee then came over and started asking me questions about how I got the cup for the sample, telling me it wasn't store policy to just give out sample cups. I was so stressed that I broke down crying in the middle of the supermarket. FML
Today, I got my first compliment in over a year. It was from my gynecologist, saying I have a beautiful cervix. FML
Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML
Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML
Today, my son was crying because he's afraid he might get Ebola. We live in Maine, and he's 16. FML
Today, a nurse asked my relationship status. I answered, "Married". She then asked if there was any possibility of me being pregnant. I hardly contained my snort, before responding, "No, you have to have sex for that." I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that it's true or her laughter. FML
Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML
Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML
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