MrMeows

Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML

Today, I decided it was time to have "the talk" with my daughter, after I found a thong in the washing machine. She denied it was hers and pointed out how it was too big to fit her. I ended up having a very different talk with my son. FML

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

OPEN UP!

Today, our family bought a new car. When we got home, I opened the trunk to get my backpack. It turns out I left it in the trunk of our trade-in. The dealership is closed now and I have a presentation due tomorrow. FML

Fried

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago, a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill, causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

Today, my father, who is not familiar with keyboards, had me register his new email account for him at the public library. His username choice? "Wang dang sweet poon tang". People heard. FML

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML

Not ED for me

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

Good girl

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about the difference between the U.S. and Canada when she asked me if they have their own government. She wasn't sure if they were governed by the U.S. or if they didn't have a government at all. She's a 33-year-old college graduate. FML

Ewww, dude

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

Today, I got several angry messages on Facebook, demanding to know how I could cheat on my wife. They didn't believe me when I said I had no idea what they meant. Turns out my wife made a sarcastic post about my "new mistress". She was talking about Fallout 4. FML

This charming dork

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying, "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

Today, I popped two tires hitting a curb. I called my dad hysterical, and he told me to call my mom and hung up. My mom's been dead for seven years. FML

She's electric

Today, I tried to give my first hand-job while wearing fuzzy socks in a carpeted room. I reached out to touch his dick and shocked him. FML

Today, I got a writing assignment back. After meeting with my professor specially after class and meticulously combing through every word of that paper, I got a low D. Turns out, he graded me down on every suggestion of his that I took. FML

Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm Dad." FML

Slurs a gogo

Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML

Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

Today, I found out my coworker was arrested for beating the crap out of his wife. I gave him a serious pep talk yesterday where I told him to stop taking her shit and start standing up for himself. FML

Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML

Today, I texted my friend asking if he'd like to join my "porno group". I meant promo. I quickly texted back correcting the mistake, but not before I received the nudes he sent. FML

Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML

Today, a cute girl I know in passing approached me very nervously and blushing like mad. She gave me a note with a number on it, said to call her, then ran away. When I called the number later, it was one of those rejection hotlines. What the hell? FML

Meet the parents

Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parents' bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML