alice192823

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

Today, I went to the doctor for a sore throat. The doctor wasn't wearing any shoes. He said that he doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals and that it's 'all about vitamins', and he gave me a flyer for a vitamin mail order company. Then he showed me photos of his holidays. FML

Yikes

Today, I had a creepy old guy with awful body odor in my salon. As I was washing his hair, he brought up how he wants to start a garden, and how a woman's monthly flow weirdly helps to make it grow. Then he asked me if I could save up my used tampons for him. FML

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

Keep it down

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

Today, I found out that my husband and my cat have something in common; they both like to lick themselves. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a nude picture, he sent it back to me with a mustache on my face from that iPhone app and told me he likes it much better that way. FML

Today, yet again, I had to dye my hair brown in advance of the new school year, because my school doesn't allow "unapproved" colors, even if they're natural. FML

Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML

Today, Muse cancelled their upcoming show in Oslo. I bought my sold-out tickets on the black market for double the retail price, and have no way of getting my money back. FML

Today, my daughter had the words "Always classy, never trashy" tattooed across her lower back in crappy cursive lettering. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML

Today, while moving into my new place, I saw my new, elderly neighbor sitting on her porch. I cheerfully greeted her with, "Hello, how are you?" She simply rocked slowly in her chair and replied, "Just waiting to die." She was the most cheerful person I met all day. FML

Today, I was dancing with an incredibly sexy man at a club. He was grinding on me when he leaned over and said, "If I was straight, I would make you my queen." FML

Today, I bought some makeup supplies at the supermarket. The cashier snorted and muttered, "Not enough in the world for you." FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he would leave me if I didn't seek help for my eating disorder. The eating disorder in question? Vegetarianism. FML

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

Talk sexy to me

Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty pictures and texts, describing in detail all the things I was going to do to him when we have the house to ourselves this weekend. He responded by quoting that crappy movie 'The Room', saying, "Oh hi doggie!" FML

Cockwomble strikes again

Today, my purse was stolen from my bag while I was on the train. The thief will be surprised to find that it wasn't my money purse, but in fact my "period purse". Hope they find tampons useful. FML

Today, while driving in the car with my father, he handed me his iPhone and asked me to Google "Is ObamaCare good for our country?" As soon as I typed in "Is", the first result was "Is olive oil good for anal." FML

Great lesson

Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend's cat for staring at me, then cried about it for an hour. Pregnancy life. FML

Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML

Today, I took my kids to an Easter party hosted by a local church. The nice lady in charge told the kids, "Jesus died, but He rose to life again!" My 9 year old screamed, "LIKE A ZOMBIE!" FML

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

Today, I heard my boyfriend talking with my father in the backyard. I thought he was asking for my hand in marriage. He was actually telling him about his plans to break up with me. FML

Today, I volunteered to tutor a 17-year-old girl in science. I had to explain in detail of what the real Big Bang theory was, as she only knew about the show. Later, I heard I was reported by her because apparently, "I was trying to convert her to Scientology." I now know why she needed a tutor. FML