Monsieur 31 ans Célibataire
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML
Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML
Today, an extremely hot police officer reprimanded me. It was pretty awkward considering she stopped me because of public urination. FML
Today, while paying a $60 tab on drinks for a girl, a guy grabs the money-clip out of my hand and runs. I start to chase after him; the girl trips me, then runs after him. The bartender calls the cops; not to catch the thieves, but to report me for not paying. FML
Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML
Today, as a priest's helper in church, I was giving Communion. It took me three people to realize that every time I was giving them the Eucharist, I was saying, "May the force be with you". FML
Today, my dad met my boyfriend. It took less than 10 seconds for him to accuse my boyfriend of being a "queer" because his handshake was "too limp". FML
Today, I was roused from my peaceful slumber by the sound of evil laughter coming from my closet. It was my old Furby, with dead batteries, that I could have sworn I got rid of several years ago. FML
Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML
Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML
Today, a customer at the fast-food joint I work at gave me a pitying look and asked, "How's that liberal arts degree treating ya?" FML
Today, while waiting in line with my 4-year-old son, I had to awkwardly apologize to an African-American gentleman and explain to my son that the man was not made out of chocolate. FML
Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML
Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML
Today, I went to get a haircut. The guy next to me was in an Army uniform and had requested a short buzz cut. My stylist had to take a call, so another came out and there must've been a miscommunication, but by then, she was already fast at work. Guess who got stuck with the other guy's haircut. FML
Today, a customer asked if we stocked gluten-free water. Then she got pissed when I laughed at what I thought was her joke. FML
Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later, he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML
Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML
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