Today, a customer came into our store and asked if we sold "child-sized coffins". This isn't even the weirdest question I've been asked. FML
Today, I finally brought a girl home from college. While I was making her some coffee, my roommate came down in her underwear, pretended to be my girlfriend, and asked if we were having a threesome. My date left before I could explain, and my roommate thinks it's fucking hilarious. FML
Today, I had to inform a patient that she has an STD. She reacted by kicking me in the nuts. FML
Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML
Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML
Today, while lifeguarding, I slipped and fell from my chair and onto the cement. Embarrassed and actually quite hurt, I tried to climb back up to the chair, but it tipped. I fell half onto the cement half into the pool, just before the chair landed on top of me. FML
Today, I was chewed out by a lady who claimed the laptop she bought wouldn't turn on, and that she wanted a refund. She yelled and shoved the laptop at me, not even listening when I told her I didn't even work at that store. FML
Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody, and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned broodmare." FML
Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML
Today, my cat decided to hide in the garbage can so he could get a free trip outside, but was too fat to climb all of the way inside of it. He got stuck half-way in. It took me ten minutes to get him out. FML
Today, I took my son to lunch. After we ate, the waitress came over and told me that my son was the most well-behaved child they had ever had there. His response was to pull his pants down and moon the entire restaurant while smacking his bottom. FML
Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML
Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML
Today, I was at a nightclub when some dick squeezed the ass of the girl beside me. She whirled around and started yelling and slapping me across the face. I was dragged out by the bouncers, to cheers from the people around us. FML
Today, I took my driving test. I had pulled out of my three point turn in a neighborhood and started driving again, thinking something wasn't quite right. The lady testing me looked over at me and said, "Sweetie, you're driving on the wrong side of the road." FML
Today, my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. We're very close, and I called my boyfriend, really needing some support. I'd barely told him what had happened, when he replied, "Babe, I'm in the middle of a game here. Call me later." FML
Today, I snuck out of the house to go to a party. When I got back later, I tried climbing back up the rope-ladder I'd set up earlier, leading back through my bedroom window. I was halfway up when it broke free. I sprained both my ankles and had to shamefully ring the doorbell to get back in. FML
Today, my friend announced that she'd lost weight recently. As I was congratulating her, my baby sister said, "I think you're still fat but that's good because you can give more meat to God when you go to heaven." Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML
Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML
Today, a couple of mates and me have a reservation on this fancy restaurant to celebrate Chinese New Year. I found out that 80% of our money goes to the wine tasting event that they have, a free flow of gorgeous, decent wine all around. I'm allergic to fruit. I'll stick to my 20RMB water bottle. FML
Today, I took the subway. The man sitting across from me would not stop staring at my breasts, so when the train came to my stop, I said, "Nothing to see now, asshole." Then I noticed his white walking stick as he got up to get off. He was blind. FML
Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
Today, I was texting this guy that I really liked. Things were going pretty well. I got a call from his number and excitedly answered it. It was his girlfriend asking if he was bothering me because he likes to text random people when he's drunk. FML
Today, I was driving home from my friend's house and noticed this really cute girl riding her bike. She had an amazing body, beautiful blonde hair, and looked like my kind of girl! About 10 minutes after I got home, my sister pulled up. She had just biked home from the hair salon. FML
Today, at work, a man bought a lot of really expensive stuff. He paid the large bill with cash, and the manager helped me count the money. When we were done, he handed me a $100 bill to thank me for all the help. We can't accept tips. The manager was next to me. I had to say no. FML
Today, on my wedding day, when they said, "You may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately, my hands were sweaty as I was nervous, and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML
Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML
Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't, therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on page 11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML
Today, I was pulled over and was given a $300 ticket for going 90mph on a 70mph highway. The cop swore he saw my silver car darting in and out of traffic. A couple of minutes earlier that exact car had passed me while I was following the speed limit. FML
Today, I jumped into a pile of snow which had built up against a wall. Turns out it wasn't snow but a pile of cement covered by an inch of snow. I now have a 3 inch cut along my leg and a sprained wrist from falling. FML
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