GlobalElephant

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She said it's a good thing, because it was a "mutual decision", and that while she wouldn't mind staying together, I was the one who wanted to split, and she respected my decision. I wish I had been a part of this delusional conversation. FML

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, I was browsing some hardcore porn sites. My mum decided to barge into my room uninvited, so I quickly switched tabs. Unfortunately for me, all five other tabs were also parked on porn galleries. Now my computer and phone are confiscated, and I can only get online at the local library. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

DIY

Today, since I'm too broke to get a new one, I had to duct tape my bra. FML

Little shit

Today, I had to tell a parent about her son kicking a boy in his class. She blamed me for not watching him. I wasn't watching him because I was turned around to care for another boy he had hit right before that. FML

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

Primal

Today, I realised that I've been working in an all-male environment for too long when my supervisor walked into the canteen visibly scratching his balls, and this seemed like a completely normal occurrence. FML

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

Outdoorsy

Today, I found out that sex in the woods is amazing. I also found that the roar of a nearby bear will end the amazement. Not only was I cockblocked by a bear, I almost shit myself. FML

Today, I overheard a girl and a guy sitting behind me on the bus who were talking about Skyrim, one of my favourite games. After a while, I turned around and, as a fellow gamer, thanked them for restoring my faith in humanity. They went very quiet. I'm now that weird guy on the bus. FML

Today, I realized I've been confusing scenes from The Lord of the Rings with American history. FML

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

Uh oh

Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

Today, I dislocated my elbow chasing my cat around the hardwood floors of my house in knee-high socks and wiping out going around a corner. The doctors suggested that I not tell people how it happened. FML

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

Today, I got all my wisdom teeth out. Have you ever thrown up after mouth surgery? Stomach acid in your bloody gum holes is just as fun as it sounds. FML

Fashionista

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said, "Do you think I could model?" I blurted out, "Yes... for a plus-size clothing line." FML

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29. FML

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML