GlobalElephant

Today, I woke up early to prepare for my graduation party. I'd invited the entire graduating class of 2011, and tons of people confirmed that they were going to come. Two hours after the time I'd told everyone to show up, I'm still the only one here. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me why he stood me up last night instead of coming over to visit. Apparently me telling him I couldn't wait for him to do naughty things to me turned him off, and made him feel like a piece of meat. FML

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

Superfreak

Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

Today, I explained to my 5 year old daughter that her older sister from my husband's first marriage lives with her mommy, and my daughter lives with us. She exclaimed, "It's not fair! I want two mommies like she has! Can we swap, I like her mommy better than you anyway!" FML

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML

Wait and see

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by putting a Post-it note on my locker that said, "Consider yourself dumped." FML

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

Shade

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied, "No", he said, "You mean you always look like that?" FML

Today, I got officially uninvited to a party. This is the third one this month. FML

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

This is awkward, guys

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

Preemptive strike

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. His reason was because he's moving away for college. That won't be for another year. FML

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

Macabre date

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year-old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML

Lonely, so lonely…

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML

Today, I finally went to the bathroom after being constipated for two days. The good news? I lost two pounds. The bad news? The toilet won't flush. FML

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

Today, I phoned up my bank's customer service department. I waited eleven minutes on hold with the lovely music, and when a woman finally picked up, I ran out of phone credit. FML

Time is money

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

First!

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML