ShleeG

Today, I discovered that when my mom can't sleep, she comes into my room and reads my text messages. FML

Today, I had to stand up on a train for my 4-hour journey. Why? Two pregnant women flew into unbridled rage with me over sitting in the priority seating, saying I was selfish. I'm recovering from spinal surgery. FML

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

Today, I drove to my college campus for my 8 a.m. class, parked, walked the mile and a half to my classroom, just to find out class had been cancelled. The prof didn't send an email because she couldn't remember her password. I paid $1200 to be taught by this woman, who has a doctorate. FML

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

Today, the couple I've been housesitting for returned. Apparently, I kept the place too clean, and they don't believe that I actually stayed here. They're refusing to pay me. FML

Honesty

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

Today, my roommate called me, but she's a cunt so I ignored her. A few hours later, I found out her mom and dad were in a serious car accident and she needed a ride to go see them at the hospital. FML

Today, I finally felt ready to lose my virginity with my boyfriend. Unfortunately he was too embarrassed to go and buy some condoms, and suggested in all seriousness that we use a sandwich bag instead. FML

Today, my mom called me by her favorite TV show character's name. Again. This is the eighth time this week. I'm an only child, and I'm 15. I thought she had my name down pat by now. FML

Today, I finally scrounged up enough change to do laundry, so I loaded up my car, swung by the bank to take out my rent money, and stopped at a gas station to get a drink. When I came outside, my car was gone, along with all my clothes and rent money. FML

Today, Southwest officially called off the search for my lost baggage and asked me to file a claim for reimbursement. My bag had $2000 worth of dental instruments, which I won't get any compensation for since the airline doesn't take any liability for valuable items. FML

Today, I took my girlfriend out for a romantic dinner, since we can't see each other this Valentine's Day. Halfway through, my aunt called, telling me my grandma had died. I had to leave because I was crying so much, leaving my girlfriend with a very pricey bill. FML

Today, an old lady walked up to my car on a busy street and banged on my window. She was annoyed because I was making a left, as opposed to continuing to drive when there was no traffic in front of me. She then got in her car and held the horn until I went. FML

Gross

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

Today, after months of patiently trying to help my girlfriend deal with her anger issues, she dumped me in a blind rage for sneezing. FML

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

Today, my drug dealer was the only one who wished me a happy birthday. FML

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML

Freakout part 47674

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

Today, my wife is treating me like I'm the devil, all because I refused to go on medication that would kill my sex drive, just so she wouldn't have to deal with me actually wanting to make love more than once a year. FML

Today, my husband got a vasectomy. My mother-in-law is extremely upset that he only gave her one grandson. Guess my other son doesn't count. FML

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

Today, I missed an interview to work in a school as a teacher's assistant because the email inviting me to attend got buried among the spam emails. Oh well, back to my usual job as an assistant janitor. Yes, that's right, assistant janitor. It's the same job as a real janitor, but for less pay. FML

Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger, who then broke my nose. Suddenly, I was saved by someone: A 15 year-old goth girl who promptly tackled the mugger to the ground. I'm a 21 year old man. FML

Today, I had to explain to my seventeen year-old daughter that deep frying food doesn't "melt the calories." FML

Today, my fiancé received his divorce papers. Thanks to his procrastinating, his divorce is effective May 29th. We're supposed to get married on May 28th. FML

DILF

Today, my dad and I ran into a guy I've been dating. He flipped out and accused me of cheating on him. This is now the second guy to have a similar reaction to my dad. I guess this is one of those unexpected consequences of teen pregnancy that my parents didn't see coming. FML

Noooooooo!

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML