SayakaxOue

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML

Today, I told my girlfriend's father that I wanted to talk about his daughter. I then went on to tell him I was thinking about 'popping the cherry', instead of 'popping the question'. FML

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday and my mom promised me she'd buy me a car. She came home with a toy lego car. FML

Not quite ready for the Winter Olympics

Today, I was skiing in Vermont for the third day straight. Since I was getting very little sleep, on the top of the chairlift I let out a huge yawn, pulling a muscle in my face. As I slid down the ramp, everyone saw me thrashing my head around and making funny, painful faces as I fell down. FML

Hangry

Today, I was on a city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling on it. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say, "Stop chewing on that!" FML

Tight knit family

Today, I went to visit my parents after 4 years of not seeing them. They'd moved without telling me. FML

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML

Today, my girlfriend asked me how big the Sun would be compared to the Earth. I didn't have anything on me to help demonstrate, so to imitate the Earth, I made a small hole with my index finger and thumb and said "Okay, imagine a ball this small." She then looked at my crotch. FML

Double down

Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML

Good samaritan

Today, I passed a car, and heard a baby crying in the back seat. It was hot and no one was around. All the doors were locked so I broke it with a rock, cutting my arm and setting the alarm off. Only to find out that it was a realistic baby doll. I have to get 7 stitches and pay for the window. FML

Double life

Today, after a small fight with my girlfriend, I started to miss her, so I typed her name into Google on a whim. Surprisingly, I find a link to a blog in which the owner describes his ongoing effort to seduce my girl. During times she told me she was alone. Thanks babe. FML

Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend telling me to be romantic, I decided to make a romantic bath for us, complete with oil bath beads. After we get ready to take the bath, she puts her hand in the water and says she won't get it because 'it feels slimy'. I enjoyed a romantic bath alone. FML

Today, my boyfriend confessed that he felt so insecure he submerged my $80 vibrator in water to eliminate the competition. FML

Today, at work, whilst on hold with an important client, I said to my co-workers, "Fucking hell, this woman sounds high as a kite." I heard a cough on the other end of the phone. All calls are recorded. FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

Today, my boyfriend was inside a cell phone store talking to a sales guy while I waited outside. I sent him a text, not realizing that the guy was using his phone to call customer service. A topless photo of me shows up on his phone when I text him. The sales guy looked. Twice. FML

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

Today, when I came home from work, my computer was drenched with water. My sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it. FML

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I'd thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML

Why would you go and do a thing like that?

Today, I inexplicably claimed ownership of someone else's fart in the subway. FML

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

You're not the boss of me

Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML