Today, I got banned from my favourite online video game for calling a person on my team a "Baked Potato". FML
Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML
Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML
Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML
Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML
Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML
Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML
Today, during a very stressful and busy day at work, I took a bathroom break. Unfortunately, of all the things on my mind, taking down my pants before emptying my bladder wasn't one of them. FML
Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML
Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML
Today, my class was called to the auditorium. We were told that some asshat proctor took a picture of our testing room during out test and posted it on Facebook. Someone noticed that according to the rules, we were sitting too close to each other, so now we have to retake the whole test. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML
Today, I made out with a boy for the first time. I belched into his mouth. FML
Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML
Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML
Today, I once again asked my girlfriend about getting married, as she had previously said she would only get married once gay marriage was legal. She still said no. FML
Today, my friend got pulled over. The cops searched the car and found a bong among the stuff we were moving to her new house. When they confronted her with it, she told them it must be mine, and that she'd never seen it before. FML
Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say, "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML
Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML
Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML
Today, I pulled several socks from under my son's bed. I spent far too long trying to figure out why they were so stiff before I finally realized. FML
Today, my step-sister told me that she was getting married to her girlfriend next summer. At a big family brunch, I made a toast to their marriage. I didn't know that my step-mom didn't know they were dating in the first place, or that she was severely homophobic. FML
Today, I realized I apologize too often as I said I was sorry to my boyfriend as he broke up with me. I apologized for being sad and making him feel bad. FML
Today, my brother said he was cleaning his room. When I walked in, he was giving my cousin a blowjob. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML
Today, the guy I've been seeing bought me a nice bottle of wine and cooked dinner for me. Later, we started having sex for the first time. All was going well until he ran to the bathroom mid-sex and I had to listen to him with explosive diarrhea. The worst part is, he wanted to keep going after. FML
Today, I came home and found my desk devoid of all paper. Turned out my mom dropped by and wanted to surprise me by cleaning up my work area. She threw away over 7 months worth of irreplaceable original sketches, notes and storylines, thinking they were worthless. My job is a full-time artist. FML
Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML
Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML
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