ceelionzhangsta

Today, my girlfriend is angry with me. We had an argument on how to properly eat an Oreo. FML

Congrats

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that I had to drive him home. He kept yelling at me to not speed, saying I was going too fast and that there were too many bumps on the road. I hadn't even started the car yet. FML

Today, I was at my lifeguarding exam. Everything was going well until I went to 'save' someone and slipped and bellyflopped into the pool. I broke my toe, and the person I was supposed to save ended up saving me instead. FML

Today, my idiot kid brother set my shirt on fire with a magnifying glass while I was taking a nap outside. FML

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to divorce me. FML

Today, I was sucking on a candy and I began choking. A coworker rushed over to give me the Heimlich maneuver. That freed the candy from my throat, and also the shit from my bowels. FML

Pranks are evil

Today, my sister shaved a chunk of my hair off while I was sleeping. I'm getting married in three days. FML

Today, I found out why my history grade is so low: the kid in front of me takes my homework, writes his name on it, and passes it off as his own. FML

Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML

Today, I finally realized the toll working as a cashier 5 days a week during the holidays does to your psyche. I just said "Welcome To Walgreens", out of pure reflex, to my cat as she walked into my kitchen. FML

Drama!

Today, my friends and I were going to Applebee's. A girl we don't like invited herself along. She waited for my friend outside of the bathroom, forced her to drive her, and said, "It's okay someone will pay for me." She then ate off of everyone's plate and left before the bill came. FML

Today, after adjusting me, my chiropractor said I should stop sitting for long periods of time, because it's likely the reason for my chronic back pain. My job is as his front-desk receptionist. He yells at me if I'm not at my seat. FML