izanagi_fml

Sharing is caring

Today, my nephew gave me a piece of gum. He's not one to share, so I was rather shocked at his kindness. After a while chewing, he admitted he gave it to me because the pack was in his pocket when he peed his pants. FML

Today, I was talking to my new boss while on speakerphone. Then, my sister yelled for me, asking me to check whether she had a yeast infection or not. FML

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

Today, I took my 17 year-old dog, who had been my best friend my entire life right from when I was born, to be euthanised. I had booked in advance. The vet ambled in all spritely and cheerfully asked, "Just here for a checkup, aye?" FML

Insensitive

Today, I got written up by HR after my new coworker told them I had an ignorant, offensive caricature of Native American people decorating my desk. It was a framed photograph of an actual Native American tribe that belonged to my history buff grandfather. FML

Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML

Today, I actually had to reassure the girl I'm seeing that she can't "catch" my epilepsy. FML

Today, my family picked a place for my birthday dinner. They chose a seafood restaurant. I'm allergic. FML

Today, I rubbed chilli powder on my fingers in an attempt to kick the habit of biting my nails. Ten minutes later I went to the bathroom. It still burns. FML

Whole foods

Today, my 17 year-old daughter told me she was going to bake a cake. When she finished, she offered me some, but it was crunchy. I asked her why and she said the recipe said to put eggs in. She put them in whole. FML

Today, I made 2 beautifully decorated cakes for Mother's Day. One was for my mother in law and the other for my mum. I came down to pack my mum's and found they had both been half eaten. My brother in law decided he wanted to try a bit of both to decide which was better. FML

Today, I decided to make new friends, so I sat with the lonely guy at lunch. Now he keeps following me, with his phone in a camera position. FML

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

Today, my slacker co-worker accused me of stealing because I got more hours than him. I was called into the manager's office and interrogated. They believed him, and sent me home for the day. I guess it pays off being the boss's kid. FML

Today, I had my first driving test. The instructor turned out to be the kind of twit who made me do the full 60-minute test, only to tell me afterwards that he was failing me for the only mistake I made less than 2 minutes after the test started. Time wasting tit. FML

Today, after 6 months of university, sex was finally had in my bed. Unfortunately, I had no part in it, though I was in the bed while it happened. FML

Today, I was given a $100 cookbook as a gift by a co-worker. The man who shares a desk with me didn't realise it was mine, as he was at lunch when I got it, so he decided to give it to my boss when he walked in. My boss is refusing to return it. FML

Today, my vet prescribed Xanax for my very anxious dog, because he keeps me awake all night whining and pacing. He slept soundly for about an hour, then woke up, threw up all over my carpet, and went right back to whining and pacing. FML

Today, my dad came over and ordered me, a 43 year-old woman, to purchase a kitchen table. He and my sisters are embarassed that we are still using a plastic folding table. It doesn't matter to them that we have just spent over $30,000 on renovations. His cousins are coming from Italy. FML

Today, my mother-in-law told me that God won't allow me to have a baby with my husband because we're both agnostic. Yet it seems God thinks her druggie daughter can have two just because she's a Christian. FML

Today, as I was doing my make-up, I needed a Q-tip to fix a mistake. I took one out the box and put it in my mouth to get it wet. Too bad someone had used it before to clean their ears. FML

Today, my mom parked in a handicapped space because, "the Spanish people are taking over everything." FML

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I arrived early so I could check in with the receptionists about this weird communication mixup that's caused me to miss my last two appointments. Despite what my appointment card said, I arrived to find the office closed. FML

Today, I fell down a hill out of my hammock, which broke my phone screen and my sunglasses. My idiot brother launched me out of it, so he could "assert his dominance." He's 11. FML

Today, I came home to find that my dog had figured out how to open the fridge again. He'd helped himself to raw eggs and crab. FML

Today, at my brother's baseball practice, two 6 year-old girls wanted a piggy back ride. I get this a lot due to my size, so after telling their mom how good I was with kids, I let one get on my back. I then promptly tripped over a puppy and face planted, resulting in a crying child. FML

Today, I was washing my hands in a public bathroom when a lady came in, looked at me in the mirror and then opened the door again to check if she was in the right bathroom. FML