Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML
Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants, which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML
Today, I was with my girlfriend and thought it would be cool to rip off my shirt while we were making out. It wasn't. Her bed was under a bookshelf and my shirt didn't even come off. I busted my head while she busted up laughing. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML
Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML
Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML
Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML
Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them, and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when I lifted myself up a little bit. What I was not prepared for was my boyfriend leaning down to kiss my neck. We collided heads, hard. FML
Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML
Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML
Today, I accidentally said, "Bye, love you," to a co-worker as I clocked out. Before I made it home, I had six missed calls and a long text from my co-worker professing her love to me. FML
Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said, "You know you can't wash and reuse these?" FML
Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML
Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML
Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML
Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML
Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML
Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML
Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML
Today, I took the bus. The old lady next to me almost fell when the driver stopped, but I managed to catch her. Five minutes later, the same thing happened to me. The old lady tried to help me, but I lost my balance and pulled her skirt down. FML
Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML
Today, I nailed every single move in my routine at a gymnastics competition. I then finished off with a perfect split, letting out a fart loud enough to wake up a kid in China. FML
Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML
Today, I saw a shady looking person on the street. As I walked past him, he said, "Hey, come here." Thinking he needed something, I went over. He handed me several pictures of my wife, in public and at home. I've never seen this man before in my life. FML
Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML
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