KyoshiroT

Today, after months of trying, my wife of seven years told me she is finally pregnant. I'm going to be an uncle. FML

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. Nine hours later, I found my extra key. FML

Bye!

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

Today, I went to the hospital to get my ingrown toenail removed. The doctors put me on a little surgery table and told me to relax. They then injected anesthetic into my toe four times and used a pair of scissors to slowly cut through my nail. Only, the anesthetic hadn't started to work just yet. FML

Today, I went shopping with my Mom. I ran into my crush. A school dance is soon and he WAS just about to ask something but my mom glanced over and yelled "TAMPONS OR PADS, SWEETIE?!" He then changed his question to "Haha, so which?" And before I could say a word, my mother answered for me. FML

Today, I decided to wear string panties. While in line at the mall, they became untied. I was wearing a skirt. FML

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

Thanks…

Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML

So good it's bad

Today, I went down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I almost suffocated. FML

Today, while letting horses out to switch pasture, one ran at me, sending me through the electric fence and into a mud puddle. Wrapped in electric fence, I sat in that electric mud puddle, screaming every time it shocked me. Help arrived, once they'd had a good long laugh. FML

Gratitude

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

Can't take it anymore

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. She's pregnant. I'm a virgin. FML

Put it all back

Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully, they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML

Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML

Today, I passed out in my car in a McDonald's parking lot. I got woken up by a cop. FML

Oh, hi Mark!

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML

Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I'm of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML

Oh no oh no

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgeways for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told them, "It was out of 50". It actually was. FML

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't mean to be rude, but... your face? It's the reason booze was invented." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML

Today, my roommate, who has bipolar disorder and refuses to take his meds, tried to stab me with a kitchen knife because I threw out his moldy cheese. FML

Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML

Today, my boyfriend sent me pictures of him and his family on their trip in Florida. He accidentally included a picture of a girl sleeping in his bed, naked. FML