minii_fml

Today, I found out why I had been waking up feeling like crap for the past week. I found tufts of cat fur in my pillow case, and I am allergic to cats. My little brother thought I would get so sick, and he could have my XBox. FML

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML

Cheeky git

Today, my husband told me he had been cheating on me for the past 8 months. Twenty minutes later, he asked me what was for dinner. FML

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

Mindfullness

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be alright, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

Emotional support

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

Reasonable

Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

Today, I felt like adding my real middle name to my facebook name to make it look more professional. It was denied because they didn't feel it was a legitimate request. Minutes later, someone with the name of "Galactic Toast" friend requested me. FML

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people, and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML

Today, I had to tell my boyfriend to stop inviting his mother on our dates. FML

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. We're currently sharing a room on a cruise ship. FML

Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

Today, the lease on my house ended and I finished moving in with my girlfriend. After everything was moved in, she broke up with me. Hello homelessness. FML

Off script

Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

Great news

Today, my mother-in-law announced that she's going to be moving into the apartment next to us. Oh joy. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

Today, I got a call from a man yelling and cursing at me, calling me a "selfish no-life asshole" for getting his "baby girl" pregnant. I'm 29 and she is 27 and we have been married for 3 years. FML

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

Today, my girlfriend of two years confessed that she'd gotten married. But not to worry: she only did it for "tax reasons." FML