minii_fml

Stay classy

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again, but I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out." My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

Today, my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work. She works in a bakery so I thought it was lovely. After starting work, I became stoned. She thought it was a great prank. I was fired. FML

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

Today, it was my friend's 18th birthday. She had invited us out drinking. I've never had alcohol before and was very excited. I got a call explaining that she had invited one too many and asked me not to come. People bragging on Facebook about what a great time they were having didn't help either. FML

Today, my ex fiancée, who left me six months ago, asked if I'd mind if she used the wedding dress I bought her for our wedding. She's just gotten engaged again. FML

Today, I found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that I was mentally handicapped. All this time I wasn't sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me. Now they won't believe me when I tell them I'm a 4.0 GPA student. FML

Nostradamus

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago, my four year-old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML

Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

Today, the ex who I'm still in love with told me he wishes we could be together, but that first I really need to get over the fact that he already has a wife and kids. FML

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It's cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

And you may ask yourself…

Today, my roommates sent a relationship request to my one night stand with my Facebook account. She accepted, and sent me a long message confessing her love for me. I can't remember her. FML

Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML

Apron strings

Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

Bailed out

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

Cool your jets

Today, my mom and siblings got into a fight. Being generally quiet and non-confrontational, I stayed out of it. Shortly thereafter, I was yelled at by my mother for being "ungrateful" and "disrespectful." I still don't know what I did wrong. FML

Menace 2 society

Today, my future mother-in-law started shit-talking me on Facebook, and we got into a heated argument. She called me later in the day, saying I'll be lucky if I ever marry her son and that, "You'll suffer to your last breath." I'm now terrified to set foot outside. FML

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

Today, my husband bleached his hair so, "our future kids will have blond hair too." I'm already married to this guy. FML

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

Today, my bra burst apart in the middle of class. I then had the privilege of asking my male teacher if I could borrow his stapler to put it back together. FML

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML

Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML