definemybricks

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

Today, I was introduced to friends of my boyfriend as, "My other girlfriend." FML

Ouch!

Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

Today, I went to the grocery store. I saw a very cute guy in the aisle and smiled. He smiled back and blushed a little. He walked over and I flirted with him. He said, "I thought you should know the zipper on your jeans is down" and walked away. It was. FML

Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said, "Have fun!" FML

First date, and probably the last

Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML

Incoming!

Today, while sitting with my son, an ice cream cone landed on my head from out of nowhere. I look up to see three children on the balcony above us yelling, "Look! We hit the fat lady!" They ran away laughing. FML

Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked. FML

Assumptions

Today, I went to get a haircut. The hairdresser at the counter was kind of cute, so I had to say something non-standard. When she greeted me with her hello, I replied, "Guess what I need from you today?" She looked at me, considered, and replied, "An eyebrow wax?" FML

Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

Love is…

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

Today, I put on my hazard lights, pulled over to the side of the road, and stopped traffic on a busy road to rescue a black cat that had been hit by a car. With everyone watching, I got a towel and slowly approached the cat. It was a garbage bag. FML

Cuteness overload

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

Good one, thanks

Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML

Today, I came home from a New Year's party wearing a shower curtain and nothing else. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

Today, I woke up with a cordless drill on my bed. The one I lent my neighbour last week. FML

Today, I was working at IHOP serving a table full of drunk idiots. After an hour of taking care of them I went to clean up their mess to find the tip they had left me. On a napkin a girl had wrote "Here's your tip for the night: Don't play leap frog with unicorns." FML

Today, the girl I've been dating asked me to describe her body. I said "Thin an toned but curvy in all the right places." I then asked her the same question to which she replied, "I don't know, you know I'm always drunk when we're together." FML

Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

Today, my maid washed my PS3. Yes, with soap and water. FML

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

Cool

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML