29 ans
Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML
Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML
Today, I hosted a "Night Out Against Crime" party at our local park. Only three people came, they robbed our fundraiser booth. FML
Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML
Today, my parents had a long discussion on whether a cut on my arm looked like a vagina. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML
Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML
Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended was the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML
Today, I realised that I only get dandruff when I'm stressed about having dandruff. Which is whenever I have dandruff. FML
Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML
Today, while my mom was driving me to work, we drove past a lake with an old wooden dock. She stopped the car, pointed and said, "Some guy fucked me right there. I got a splinter in my butt, though, so we finished in his car." FML
Today, my husband told me to stop faking being sick, because, "morning sickness doesn't happen after noon." FML
Today, I paid for someone else's piss so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML
Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML
Today, I heard the ice cream truck. Being the idiot that I am, I ran down the steps and almost immediately fell down them. I needed four stitches. I didn't even get my ice cream. FML
Today, I was in a business meeting. I was giving a Powerpoint presentation to my boss and a few other associates. Then a notification popped up in the middle of my presentation reminding me that I needed to renew my pornhub subscription. FML
Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML
Today, a homeless man asked me for money in a train station bathroom. When I told him I had no money he left. He then returned only to pour a bottle full of urine on my head while I was in the stall. I use a metro card. I honestly had no money. FML
Today, while I was getting intimate with my husband, he moaned someone else's name. He actually tried to explain himself by saying that he'd had a "divine encounter," and while "possessed by the Lord," he'd been told the name of our future daughter. FML
Today, at work, I decided to make things more interesting, so when I called people I used a fake accent. As I was using an Australian accent, the person I was talking to asked me where in Australia I was from. I desperately replied, "Where the kangaroos are..." I'm now jobless. FML
Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML
Today, my fiancé spent three hours arguing with his mom about how Scientology is a cult followed by simple-minded asshats; she shouted at him saying Xenu will come and fuck his shit up for not believing. This woman is going to be my children's grandmother. FML
Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid in bed and told my parents I needed some alone time. A couple of minutes later, one of them started blasting "All by Myself" so loud that I felt the floorboards vibrate. FML
Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML
Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML
Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML
Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML
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