tackblog

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

Today, I had sex with a guy wearing a KFC uniform. Hat included. FML

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I could love anything more than her, and if so, what. I guess "bacon" was the wrong answer. FML

Today, my dog found my marijuana pipe and the bag it was in and brought it to my parents. FML

Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML

Today, I crapped in my pants and had to wait an hour of commuting till I could clean it up. What a sight and smell it was on the subway. Thank God I had sunglasses to wear. FML

Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML

Poor Raymond

Today, I got this huge package at my college dorm from my parents with candy, chips, canned soup and all these goodies. When I called my mom to thank her, she replied, "We got rid of your cat, Annie". FML

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

Today, I was delivering pizzas for my summer job. I got a big order to deliver for a fellow graduate's party. While I was being paid for the order my friend shows up and says "Don't pay him, his parents are rich, he can handle it." Then they shut the door and took off. The bill was $75. FML

Junk in the trunk

Today, I noticed that my very expensive facial cleanser was almost out. I had moved in with my boyfriend recently, and questioned him, telling him "You don't have to use so much to wash your face. That's a $70 bottle." To which he responded, "Oh, that nice-smelling stuff? Yeah, I use that on my junk." FML

Today, I asked my aunt to pluck my eyebrows since hers are perfectly done. What I didn't know is she gets hers professionally shaped and she doesn't know how to shape eyebrows. I now look like a surprised Vulcan. FML

Rash decision

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I've been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I'm allergic to sweat. I'm a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

Today, at my bachelorette party, I got so wasted, I ended up giving my stripper a lap dance because he "wasn't doing it properly". There's photos. FML

Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML

Cheers

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it, hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 minutes and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say, "Oh, cool." FML

Today, my dad and I were shovelling snow off the roof. I told him I was going to jump off the roof. He told me to go ahead, so I did. He failed to tell me that the snow was packed and wouldn't break my fall. I now have an injured back. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would actually do it. FML

Today, I applied and was accepted for a part-time network engineering position. Being contract work they asked me what I charge. I replied, "$12 an hour." After a look of surprise they accepted me for the position and said, "Our last guy charged $200 an hour, you're a bargain." FML

Today, I found out I won't be able to go to college. Why? My sister's horse needs surgery. FML

No good deed…

Today, after already having a terrible day, I went to Starbucks for an espresso. Being nice, I put the last dollar I had in my wallet in their tip jar. While paying for my drink, my card was denied for insufficient funds. The world hates me. FML

Today, I saw an elderly woman in need of help of crossing a street. I helped her across. On the way she just about fell and held onto me to keep from hitting the ground. After she left on her bus I reached for my wallet. It was gone. I had just been robbed by a 70 year old. FML

Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML

Old school cool

Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML

Today, I woke up, patted my dog and kissed his nose. He was dead. FML

Today, the snowblower found my lost phone. FML

Weird party

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML