TOLL

Today, my boyfriend flamboyantly proposed to me in a packed restaurant. I promptly had a panic attack and fainted in front of at least fifty people and a full mariachi band. FML

Today, I laughed about a fold in my girlfriend's jeans that felt like she had a tiny boner. She started crying. Turns out she has a slight deformity. Oops. Explains why we've been taking it so slow. FML

Sensual world

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML

Welcome to the neighborhood

Today, four days after moving into my new house, I woke up to a guy yelling, "Fuck you, Claire" followed by a brick smashing through my living room window. Now I know why Claire was so eager to finalize the sale. FML

Best wishes!

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said, "But seriously… No." FML

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, saying, "Congratulations, you have a new match." FML

Ewww, dude

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

Effective

Today, I was the first guy ever to give my girlfriend an orgasm. I was also the first guy to make her poop at the same time. FML

Today, I visited my boyfriend's uncle's house for a party. His 8 year-old cousin started asking if I like penis, so my reaction was to laugh, spitting my drink on her and her new dress. She can't pronounce peanuts, and I can't visit anymore. FML

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

Happy New Year!

Today, my boyfriend was so drunk at a New Year's party that he approached me and asked me who I was. FML

Sex work is work

Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML

Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

Family values

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML

Today, I was out with my brother and his group of very cute friends at a Cheesecake Factory. When the server came to take our orders, she asked me what kind of sauce I liked. Like a complete fuckwit, I blurted, "I like creamy white stuff." The guy across from me choked on his water. FML

Violence is rarely the answer

Today, I found out that my crush of a few years likes me. How? Her boyfriend told me, followed by a punch in the face. FML

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding, and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

You'd know by now

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said, "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

Today, after being in a committed relationship for five years, I just found out that my girlfriend's parents have no idea that we are together. She says she "forgot" to tell them. FML

Don't look!

Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

Today, my sick semi-delusional boyfriend, whom I've been taking care of for days, accused me of trying to poison him so that I could play World of Warcraft. FML

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML