Puffpie

Today, after I got home from a long day at work. I go inside my room and find a life-size cut out of Miley Cyrus. I don't know how it got here. I'm the only person with a key to my apartment. FML

Today, for the nth time, my father reminded me that I should study things related to the "real" world, as if I was studying theology, astrology or something. I'm studying for a master's degree in physics. FML

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

Today, I experienced the horror of walking in on my best friend fondling his tits. Yes, "his". FML

Skated away

Today, I had a big figure skating competition. Many of the girls before me fell or did not execute their jumps correctly. Me? I skated a flawless program. I was placed last because they said I didn't push myself hard enough to the point of falling. FML

Today, my mom told me that, even though my brother sells drugs, he's still her favorite child. FML

Today, I found out the hard way that blood-filled deer ticks can look a lot like black jelly beans. FML