Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that, "Pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML
Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML
Today, after a heavy make-out session, my boyfriend and I discovered his lips bruise really easily. This wouldn't be a problem except he's been telling people I hit him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, at work, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head on my cash register. A second later, I heard roaring laughter from the security room, followed by someone saying to play it back. I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't about me, when one of the guys came out and gave me a thumbs-up. FML
Today, my fiancée told me about her new diet. Apparently, she is only going to drink water and tan in a tanning bed so she can photosynthesise. She thinks this will help her lose weight, since she doesn't have to eat anything. I'm dating a dumbass. FML
Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML
Today, in a desperate attempt to get fired, I sent a sexual love letter to my boss. We're going on our first date tomorrow. FML
Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed, then we went out shopping, had a picnic, watched a good romcom, had a fancy dinner, and ended the day with great sex. And when the clock struck twelve, he dumped me. FML
Today, a cute girl was telling me about her weird fetishes. I jokingly said, "Remind me never to have sex with you". She replied, "Don't worry, I have standards". FML
Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML
Today, someone walking my way started waving. I waved back until I realized he wasn't looking at me. To make things worse, while walking past he said, "Get a fucking friend." FML
Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML
Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML
Today, I made my mom breakfast in bed for her birthday. She was naked when I went to give it to her. FML
Today, I discovered that my male coworker, who coincidentally shares my last name, has been telling everyone we're married. I'm 26; he's 58. FML
Today, I found out that honestly answering "yes" to "Are Kate Upton's boobs bigger than mine?" is in my girlfriend's mind the equivalent of saying I don't find her attractive anymore and that I want to break up with her to date a supermodel. FML
Today, I spent an ungodly amount of money to send my long-distance boyfriend a giant bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day. A few hours after making the non-refundable payment, he let me know we weren't going to work out, and that he was already sleeping with someone else. FML
Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML
Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML
Today, my mom's obsession with cleanliness hit a new low when she bitched at me for having trash in my trash can. FML
Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML
Today, I'm an intern working in a company's reception area, which happens to have a coffee dispenser. As I'm the new girl, every client getting coffee wants to buy me one. I'm too polite to say no. It's 10:26 AM, and I'm on cup #17. FML
Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that blood-filled deer ticks can look a lot like black jelly beans. FML
Today, I got the most tear-jerking comment so far about my severe stutter. While I was talking to my neighbor, his little brother interrupted and asked me if I was possessed by a demon. FML
Today, a guy attacked me and tried to steal my bag. I tried to defend myself by biting him as hard as I could. I then woke up to my husband screaming in pain. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has a beautiful daughter. That's cool, except she's one year old. FML
Today, my boyfriend managed to orgasm by humping my leg. I'm beginning to think I'm dating a puppy. FML
Today, my friend was confiding all her problems to me over Skype. I pressed the mute button so I could let out a fart, forgetting I'd already muted it earlier. I broke several minutes of my own silence with a devastating wet one. Now she won't talk to me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because we got into a fight over what color that confusing black and blue and white and gold dress was. FML
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