TennoAsura

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

Today, I felt something wet and warm on my arm. I looked down and saw a kid with his mouth attached to my arm. Didn't expect that out of a third grader. FML

Family snapshot

Today, our family reunion began with my sister calling my brother's current crazy girlfriend by his last crazy girlfriend's name and ended with my dad telling my adopted niece that he wanted a family picture without her in it, but she could be in the next one. FML

Today, my parents are forcing me to go to an insanely conservative, Christian private school. I'm gay. This is going to be a long year. FML

Today, my sister made a comment about my small boobs. I told her I'm actually a C cup, and she told me she "can't even C them". I just got roasted with a fucking pun. FML

Make it stop

Today, I celebrated my fifteen-week anniversary. No, not a relationship anniversary. A migraine anniversary. It won't stop. FML

Today, I had a conversation with the cute girl I like at work for the first time. I told her I worked in the camping department of the store, and we had a long chat about how she heard that the guy who runs that department is a complete dick head. I am the guy who runs that department. FML

Today, a customer asked for my manager's number, my bosses number, corporate's number and filled out a complaint form, all because we kindly asked him not to sit his kid on the counter due to safety concerns. FML

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

Today, my girlfriend woke me with a surprise up on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was her screaming at the top of her lungs and punching me in the face because of a nightmare. FML

Throbbing

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

Today, while teaching my history class, a girl asked me where North America was. She lives in North America. FML

Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML

Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML

Today, I rode my newly-purchased bicycle to Lowe's to look at flooring and back splashes for our upcoming remodel. Upon leaving the store, I found out that my bicycle had been stolen by someone who had bought a hacksaw from that store while I was shopping. They left the receipt to mock me. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

Today, I received a letter from my landlord's attorney. It said my landlord is terminating my "verbal" lease with him. Ten years ago, the deal began as rent to own. My landlord is my grandfather. FML

Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML

Today, I was hanging out with this really cute boy that I liked. We were starting to get personal, intimate, and really connecting. That is, until my roommate shouted that his girlfriend had just, "clogged our toilet and shit was overflowing onto the floor." FML

Today, thanks to downsizing and corporate restructuring, I was "promoted" to the entry level position I had 10 years ago. FML

Brain melt

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

Today, after weeks of being addicted to Bejeweled Blitz, I couldn't stop thinking about it while having sex with my girlfriend. FML

Not you

Today, I saw a photo on Facebook of all my best friends from high school together at a 50th birthday party I wasn't invited to. I knew the birthday guy for longer than any of them and introduced everyone in high school. They wouldn't even know him without me. FML

Small world, huh?

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, it turns out she's actually dating him. FML

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

You must be kidding

Today, I went into work thinking it was my last day before I start my new job, as my 2-week notice said to the managers that I can't work after today. None of them believed that I was actually capable of getting a better job and thought my 2-week notice was a joke. FML

Today, I thought I was being a good worker by showing a mother and daughter several rooms before they settled on one. Turns out Mommy dearest only wanted a place for her brat to throw a party. The cops found alcohol, drugs, and guns. This from the people who complained about a loose chair arm. FML

You should see someone

Today, I've actually developed a crush on a guy I never intended to crush on, and also can't have. For one he's married and utterly devoted to his wife. And even if that weren't true, he's so far out of my league I need binoculars to see him. And to top it all of? He's fictional. FML

Today, I showed my grandma my new septum piercing. Her only response was, "I hope it gets infected and your nose falls off." FML