ona16

Today, it turned out the twit I've been overcharging for drinks in my bar for wearing shades indoors is actually blind. FML

Today, my husband got a vasectomy. My mother-in-law is extremely upset that he only gave her one grandson. Guess my other son doesn't count. FML

Sketchy move

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger, who then broke my nose. Suddenly, I was saved by someone: A 15 year-old goth girl who promptly tackled the mugger to the ground. I'm a 21 year old man. FML

Today, I learned that you should always check the inside of your guitar to avoid a snake bite. Nope, strings don't help. FML

Today, I worked as a cashier at a rummage sale at my church to raise money for the homeless. My bag was stolen. FML

Today, I almost got fired for not following my boss on Twitter and Instagram. FML

How could you?

Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML

Today, I tried to fix my wife's brakes and change her oil before I worked on my truck. Seven hours later both vehicles are unusable. FML

Today, I found out I owe the IRS over $2,000 because of a mistake they made. Their "apology" basically amounted to "Oops, our bad. Now pay up or you're gonna be Bubba's new bitch." FML

Today, I went to work expecting praise for working overtime last night after taking a client to the hospital. Instead, I got suspended without pay for working unapproved overtime. FML

My ex

Today, my psycho girlfriend tried to blackmail me into giving her money, threatening to show everyone the nude pictures I'd recently sent her. Except the pictures on her phone that she threatened me with weren't even of me. Nice to know I'm also being cheated on. FML

Assumptions

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment for the first time, only to see another girl walking out. I accused her of cheating with him and we got into a fight. Turns out I was at the wrong apartment. He lives next door. FML

Pleased to meet you

Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML

Today, after getting back from a year-long world trip, I nearly fell on my knees and cried when I saw boxes of Twinkies at my local gas station. Finding out they were back was the highlight of the year. FML

Today, I helped my brother propose to his girlfriend of 5 years in the spot where they had first met. As he delivered his heartfelt speech, a sizable crowd appeared. When he got down on one knee, she punched him in the gut, yelled, "I never loved you", and ran away. Now he won't talk to me. FML

Today, thanks to Grand Theft Auto, I found myself seriously thinking about holding up an armored bank truck when I saw it in traffic. FML

Not so funny after all

Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

Today, I texted my girlfriend to tell her that we couldn't hang out because my dog died this morning and we were burying him. She replied that she wasn't going to get stood up by a stupid dog. She then broke up with me. FML

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML

The truth

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

Today, I was cutting a client's hair, and she was complaining about how itchy her head was from having it too long. As I lay down my comb and shears, three lice bugs ran across my counter. FML

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

Today, I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone. The school hasn't even been built yet. FML

Cockwomble strikes again

Today, my purse was stolen from my bag while I was on the train. The thief will be surprised to find that it wasn't my money purse, but in fact my "period purse". Hope they find tampons useful. FML

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend, who's already made two threats against my life, informed me that she now has a concealed carry permit. FML