Today, my husband admitted that he's been spying on me for the last 5 years to see if I was cheating, out of paranoia brought on by his own cheating for all 5 of those years. FML
Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML
Today, my boss's incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML
Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML
Today, my girlfriend confessed that she'd leave me for her ex in a heartbeat. Tomorrow is, or should I say "was", our wedding day. FML
Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML
Today, I was bitten by a therapy dog. FML
Today, while out walking with my son in a stroller, a couple passed by and the girl smiled sweetly at him. It made me really happy, until we'd passed and I heard her say, "What? You're supposed to smile at babies, even if they look weird." FML
Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML
Today, while with a large group of friends, my best friend started talking about my struggles with dating and intimacy. I quietly asked her to stop talking about it, as it was personal and I wasn't comfortable with everyone else knowing. Her response? "Um, it's really none of your business." FML
Today, I asked my class to name some West African countries. Several of them thought Ebola was a country. I teach an AP history class. FML
Today, due to awkward circumstances, I am living with my ex-girlfriend and her new girlfriend. FML
Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML
Today, my fiancé called me 'thick' for not realising he'd been sleeping with his ex earlier. FML
Today, less than a month from our wedding, my fiancé told me that he doesn't trust me and will be cancelling our wedding and new apartment lease if I don't give him all the names, numbers and addresses of my exes. All because I received a text from a wrong number that said, "Hey baby." FML
Today, I dressed up sexy to cheer up my boyfriend after a bad day at work. Instead of being cheered up, he accused me of dressing up that way for the male DJs at the radio station where I work. FML
Today, I overheard my mom giving my 6-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML
Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML
Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML
Today, I was sitting in McDonald's. A lady came up to me and started complaining about the bad service, and asked for the manager. I told her that I didn't work there. "But you must, someone that fat has to work here!" FML
Today, after waiting for two weeks for the right moment to meet my boyfriend's mom, she walked in as I was straddling him, trying to prove that I'd win in a wrestling match. I guess we met, then. FML
Today, my mom announced my pregnancy to the entire family via Facebook with the post, "Just went from a MILF to a GILF in one moment of unprotected sex." FML
Today, my three-year-old nephew chose to jump out of a window and break his arm rather than be babysat by me. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML
Today, someone at work took my delicate medication out of the fridge to make room for their lunch. Now my medication has expired. FML
Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML
Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML
Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML
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